Friends, you, too, are probably wondering what to do with those boxes of classified documents cluttering up your attic.
Good news! Party poopers might be weeping and wailing and gnashing teeth over U.S. District Judge Aileen Cannon’s decision to toss out the classified documents case against the Master of Mar-A-Lago. Grammarians might bemoan a judicial ruling that turned “our nation’s secrets” into an oxymoron right alongside “jumbo shrimp,” “congressional intelligence” and “functioning Cybertrucks.”
Not me. Not all of us have second-bathroom space. And now that we are free to do with it whatever, however and whenever we want, I am happy to tell you there are many uses for NSA scrap paper!
You can make paper airplanes and throw them out of Air Force One!
You can grab a pot of paste and make your very own papier-mache Supreme Court! Optional: Toss out three of the justices who no one is listening to anyway. Or: Make another three papier-mache justices when no one is looking.
Craft a paper crown. Usually, art critics would not approve of painting something just so it would be all matchy-matchy with other shiny objets d’art laying around the house — chandeliers, a gilded toilet, airplanes, etc. But in this case, a bright, shiny gold is warranted. For an extra special finishing touch, stick six papier-mache Supreme Court justices on it. They won’t even know you have them where you want them. They haven’t figured it out so far.
You could grab some scissors and cut your secret memos into puzzle pieces. Send some of the pieces — but only some! — to BFFs like Victor, Vlad and Kim, forcing them to work together to solve it. Diplomacy! But slyly hold back the center piece. Maybe a few center pieces. Call it The Puzzle of Democracy.
Or slip a few papers into Hunter Biden’s briefcase. Feeling especially mischievous? Put the briefcase in Jim Jordan’s desk. Make an anonymous call to Merrick Garland. Or Maria Bartiromo. Or the guy next door with the Q-Anon flag and the YouTube channel. Stand back and watch the fun!
Of course, not every use has to be Etsy-worthy. There are bird cages to be lined and windows to be cleaned; political litmus tests to be administered and Rorschach test results that need to be hidden.
And since these are words we are dealing with, don’t neglect the opportunities for irony. For instance, super-white paper can contain trace amounts of highly toxic dioxins. So just tear up your own super-white, super-secret papers into teeny tiny little confetti-size pieces and sprinkle them over what is left of the EPA’s authority to regulate dioxins (and everything else). Pat your pocket-sized papier-mache justices on the back while you do so.
Also, paper is responsible for about 1% of greenhouse gas emissions. But that’s not nearly enough! Throw’em on the grill and smoke up a storm! Bonus: Incineration releases dioxins.
And you might very well want to burn them, and then bury their ashes, before anyone finds the political secret embedded in your cache of political secrets. Some paper is made with china clay, and even though it is little-c china and not big-C China, my experience has been that neither the next-door-neighbor YouTubers nor Jim Jordan are overly concerned with the subtleties of punctuation, much less geology. Not when a good old fashioned groundless conspiracy is being waved in front of them.
Plus, although china clay is mined all over the world, at least some of the china clay really is from clay in China, and how would you know which is which? Better to be safe.
But maybe set aside just one very special box of classified clips. May I suggest the ones that you have not already used as a soda coaster? Haul out a few Sharpies and get started on those thank-you notes to the many, many people who have made it possible to bring national secrets out of dark bathrooms all over American and put them proudly on display for friends, frenemies and, especially, gob-smacked foreign spies dazed by their good fortune.
Who also thank you.
Pat Beall is a columnist and editorial writer for the Sun Sentinel. Contact her at pbeall1@gmail.com.
