The previous owners are an older couple who themselves moved into the house when they were our age and starting their family. But they don’t seem to be able to let the house go.

A neighbor dropped by several times with a camera, to take pictures of our home. She explained that the previous owners, who had moved to a different state, had requested pictures so they could see what we had done with the house.

We explained we were not comfortable with this, and she stopped.

Now we have received a letter from this couple. They would like us to continue to send pictures, and they are also planning to “stop by” when they come back to town this summer. They promise they will come by only for an hour or so, but they would like to make it an annual event.

Am I obligated to grant visitation rights to this couple? And if I am not (as I am hoping), what is the polite way to explain to this couple that the home is no longer theirs, and we cannot continue to provide them updates?

GENTLE READER: If it were ever true that there is no harm in asking, it still depends how one asks.

No matter how sweet this elderly couple may turn out to be — and no matter how nostalgic they feel — they sold you the house. Simple politeness demands they respect your privacy, and requesting photographs and visits does not qualify.

You are under no obligation to provide access, much less an annual hourlong visit.

Miss Manners is not attempting to dictate your answer, merely making the point that neither do they have any right to dictate yours. There is no rudeness in merely saying, without excuses, that you are, unfortunately, unwilling to accommodate their requests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When hosting a cocktail hour, how does the hostess gracefully navigate the quantity of food served?

For example, if the cheese platter is reduced to a few bits, should the hostess be constantly monitoring and replenishing as necessary (even if the “hour” is approaching or has passed)?

I certainly don’t want to appear stingy with guests. But the idea of bringing out more food seems to encourage lingering and drifting into the dinner hour and beyond.

Also, what is an appropriate answer to a guest who inquires, “Is there more cheese/crackers/dip …?” I was taught that, as a guest, I should not take the last piece of anything — cracker, nut, candy or cheese. Is that out of sync with the times?

GENTLE READER: Fill or clear any empty receptacle, in which category Miss Manners includes the guests.

So if Uncle Larry is lingering by the dessert table hoping for something more, swoop him up and introduce him to any available guest in the next room before passing on. Eventually the table will be empty, and the guests will get the idea and go home.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

This leads to a consistent mildew odor on all of her fabrics. We always notice the smell on the towels and linens when we visit.

It never used to be a huge deal, but now her son is getting older, and he sweats quite a bit. Thanks to what one might call the “wet dog effect,” he always reeks of mildewy clothing.

For his sake (as well as hers), how can I convince her to change her laundry habits without hurting anyone’s feelings?

GENTLE READER: Criticizing another person’s laundry technique is not strictly within the bounds of good etiquette, but Miss Manners likes an occasional challenge.

Talking about what “we” (rather than “I”) have noticed, and calling her your Dear Sister will only alert your sibling that Something Is Up.

But making the issue about her son is a good start. And having, as a goal, not hurting anyone’s feelings is key.

A casual story about having the same problem and finding a solution — for your own child (assuming you have one) or a friend’s (if not) — will further remove any implied criticism. Of course, this will all come to nothing if you have raised the issue in years past without effect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times, I have experienced the situation where someone is completely blocking a store aisle with their shopping cart.

They see me coming and either move their basket aside to let me pass or I have to say, “Excuse me,” and then they move it.

Some people say “Sorry” for blocking me, but some mumble a sarcastic “You’re welcome” to me as I go by, apparently because I don’t say “Thank you” for their efforts.

I feel I should not have to say thank you to them for correcting a situation they caused to begin with. Good manners would require not blocking the aisle in the first place.

This happens to me often. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Six words: “Excuse me. Thank you. You’re welcome.” And you only have to say four of them.

Miss Manners’ point is that to be this angry — and stingy — about when to parcel out such kindnesses is beneath you.

If someone’s cart is blocking the aisle, let’s assume it was a moment’s thoughtlessness, not a nefarious plot — and that saying “Excuse me” costs you nothing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Five people go out to dinner. Two of them have a special interest in something the other three do not. Is it polite for those two people to have a side conversation?

GENTLE READER: Yes, so long as the two are seated together and are having the side conversation with each other, not with their cellular telephones.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I always tell the Realtor that I am a nosy neighbor and just curious about the house. I don’t want the Realtor to waste time with me or walk me around. They always respond positively.

Is this rude on my part? My sister thinks it is.

GENTLE READER: Surely this would be an advantage for the seller. Others at the open house could meet a friendly neighbor, and you could spread the word about the delights of the neighborhood.

Is that the problem? Is your sister worried that you might put off potential buyers, either by annoying them in some way, or by telling everyone you meet that there are bodies buried in the backyard?

Otherwise, an open house may be considered open. As Miss Manners discourages guests from asking for house tours, and everyone from peeking into windows, this seems a harmless way to satisfy the curiosity people have about the way others live.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Something apparently shifted between my son’s college graduation ceremony in 2019 and my daughter’s.

While the audience at the 2019 ceremony remained in place for the entirety of the two-hour proceedings, this time, fewer than 10% of both the graduates and their attendees stayed to the end. In fact, almost all of the honorees walked across the stage to receive their diplomas and then simply left instead of returning to their seats.

This resulted in a likewise steady exodus of family and friends from the audience while other students were still being called to the stage.

Those of us still trying to enjoy the full ceremony — and those whose graduates were at the end of the alphabet — were forced to deal with people squeezing past our knees as they left the aisles.

Am I completely behind the times that I was horrified at the mid-ceremony departures?

GENTLE READER: It always puzzles Miss Manners when those who object to rudeness accuse themselves — however disingenuously — of failure to keep up with progress. You are not required to follow progress that is headed downward into lack of consideration for others.

To treat a graduation ceremony as if it were a commercial transaction, where the graduates merely pick up their diplomas and leave, is an act of disrespect for their own classmates. It would be sad if the class had to be instructed beforehand not to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I handle it when, during mealtime with my husband and my mother-in-law, there is enough food for a second helping or so?

I will ask either or both of them if they would like any more (broccoli), and they will say, “No, I may have some later.”

They never eat what is left after I serve myself a very small portion (so I can leave them some).

Should I just say it’s now or never, and go ahead and eat the last portion?

GENTLE READER: Yes.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

It is our responsibility to open the door when we arise, which allows the latches to flip down, indicating that we’re up and probably not in trouble.

Our etiquette problem comes up when my friends and I walk for fellowship and exercise. We normally walk outside, but when the weather’s bad, we walk inside, up and down the halls. This is common in our community, and it is generally accepted.

But because we walk fairly early, sometimes we are walking past someone’s front door as they open it, briefly, just to let the latch fall. Sometimes they are completely dressed, and sometimes they are in their dressing gowns.

Should we greet the person in this situation (“Good morning!” without pausing) or just keep walking, looking straight ahead?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps, as this is a retirement establishment, Miss Manners can invoke the Newspaper-on-the-Porch rule without being asked what on earth she means. How would a newspaper land on the porch unless you left your laptop there and it wasn’t stolen?

The meaning is that a brief moment of visibility, even when not dressed for public view, should be politely ignored. The idea was that one should not have to make oneself “presentable” for such a quick foray. (Whoops, there is another concept that might be foreign to many — that you should look presentable when in public.)

This required both sides to maintain the fiction that the person on the porch had not been observed. This would be harder to do in the proximity of a hallway.

So, if you can plunge down the hall without eye contact, do so. Otherwise, a quick hello, and keep moving.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been friends with a couple for about 30 years. We have watched their children grow to be lovely young ladies, as they have watched ours grow to be adults.

We are close with the couple but not so much with their children.

In 2021, during COVID, their youngest daughter got married in a small private ceremony in their backyard. Only about 15 people were in attendance.

Because we are close to our friends, we gave their daughter and her new husband a monetary wedding gift even though we weren’t invited to their wedding. The daughter and her new husband did not acknowledge the gift.

GENTLE READER: This couple has been married for three years, and you already gave them a wedding present. Miss Manners is not aware of the need for a You’re Still Married present.

That said, perhaps you are so fond of the parents, and have such pleasant memories of the daughter as a child, that you want to do something extra. While there is no need to give a present, there is no ban against doing so.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

People still walk in with greasy pizza slices, drippy ice cream cones and overflowing cups of coffee.

When I restate my policy and point to a tray where they can set their food or drink while they shop, they glare at me and storm out like I’m the bad guy.

Is there a way to enforce my rule with no hard feelings?

GENTLE READER: Signs indeed hold authority — and humans can conveniently blame them when enforcing the rules proves awkward. Sheepishly pointing to one and presenting a parking tray for the offending food and drink is about all you can do.

Miss Manners hopes that if ill-mannered and inconsiderate patrons walk out, you may take comfort in knowing that the loss of a potential sale is less costly than a batch of greasy, unusable stationery. Your better-behaved customers will appreciate it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve become closer to a friend in recent years. While I do not see her spouse often, when I do, he never seems to miss an occasion to say something demeaning about (or to) my friend.

Is there anything I can say or do to politely make clear that such comments make me feel uncomfortable?

I believe someone needs to stand up to this bully, but I suspect that’s probably not my role, and it could be insulting to my friend.

GENTLE READER: “Please be kind to my friend. I’m sure we all have our faults, but I adore her and won’t hear her being admonished. Now, Emmy, tell me again about your triumphs at work.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My siblings and I are in our 60s and 70s. I invited them all to a luxury cabin for a family reunion.

I asked for a range of dates so I could coordinate the accommodations and food. Five of my siblings responded immediately with their date ranges. One sibling responded later, and said she was delayed in responding because she had to check with her adult children to see when they could come.

I feel this is quite rude, as the invitation was not extended to anyone other than my siblings and their spouses. She never asked me whether the children could attend prior to responding.

GENTLE READER: Your sister seems like a kind and sensible woman — and not just because she reads and listens to Miss Manners.

If you reassert that this is a siblings-and-spouses-only event, she will no doubt understand. If not, you might remind her that if her children come, everyone else’s — plus grandchildren, possibly — will want to, too, and the cabin would overflow.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I have a co-worker who says, each and every time she returns from the office restroom, “Gee, I forgot my coat and gloves!” or “I forgot to bring my parka!” or some other inane comment referencing the temperature of the bathroom.

Yes, it is cold in our office bathroom. I don’t think my co-workers and I should have to politely smile/laugh/agree with her every single day, multiple times per day.

The obvious solution is to ignore her, which I do. My co-workers are much more genteel than I am, and they smile/chuckle/nod in agreement, then roll their eyes and complain when she isn’t around.

Perhaps there is some clever thing to say to put an end to it?

GENTLE READER: Treating a joke as if it were meant seriously is the best way to defuse it. In this case, Miss Manners suggests, “Oh no! We thought we asked management to fix that. If you need to borrow a blanket, though, I think I have one in my car.”

Eventually your would-be comedian will get tired of explaining the “humor” to you — and find another target.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I learned, as a child in an all-right-handed family, to set the table with the knife and spoon on the right and the fork on the left.

Since I gave birth to a left-handed child, I have come to notice the many ways left-handed people must cope with right-handed products and systems, such as spiral notebooks and writing from left to right.

I see that manufacturers have started producing notebooks especially for left-handers. Would it not be a kindness to set the place for a left-hander with the knife and spoon on the left and the fork on the right? Would that be considered bad manners?

GENTLE READER: This might prove confusing, since many have their own method or make the switch themselves. Better, Miss Manners suggests, to focus on seating them on the outside left corner — so that they can eat without fear of elbowing their dinner companions.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Even before the pandemic, I worked from my home office. Most of my meetings are online.

Due to medication that I must take, I often experience thirst and dry mouth, the latter making it difficult to speak. I always have water or tea at my desk to sip during meetings.

I’ve noticed that no one else ever seems to do this. I don’t make a big show of it; I’m not chugging anything. I don’t have a large, showy beverage or bottle. It’s just about being comfortable, as perhaps someone giving a lecture might do.

GENTLE READER: Frankly, it is far more shocking that no one else in your meetings has a beverage. Large, showy water bottles are a national trend right now.

But Miss Manners sees no reason not to keep your modest one — with the caveat, perhaps, that if your gulping or swallowing itself is large and showy, you mute yourself before taking a drink.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

We don’t use social media very often; if we hadn’t seen the announcement, we wouldn’t have known.

My husband’s relative loved him very much, and I thought it was insensitive for the family not to notify him personally. After the wake, which was also online, I messaged them privately and said so.

They responded that I was rude and selfish. They said that they, the (more) bereaved party who organized the funeral and wake, were entitled to manage it in a way that made their grief easier to bear. Then they blocked me on social media, which is fine with me.

It’s my feeling that when someone dies, there is no “easy.” There’s only politeness, and the polite thing to do is to inform people personally that someone they care about has died. That shows consideration for those who will mourn the loss of the deceased, and gives them a chance to show respect and support for the bereaved.

Social media announcements that close relatives may see by chance are not polite, in my view.

I’ll concede that I probably shouldn’t have mentioned it, especially since they’re my in-laws, but isn’t it fundamentally rude not to inform family members directly (by email, text or phone) that someone has died?

GENTLE READER: One is likely to stumble when claiming the moral high ground too soon after committing the almost unpardonably rude act of scolding the chief mourners for their handling of the death announcements.

But yes, a personal call would have been preferable — which Miss Manners would certainly not have said about a text, and likely not about an email.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I admit to messing up my financial life, and therefore it will be at least three or four years before I am eligible to even apply for credit. This is my responsibility to bear; I blame no one else.

I also understand that retail employees are under pressure to offer their store’s credit card to customers, and do their best to have the customer fill out an application right there, often in front of other customers.

I have known of employees being disciplined if they do not succeed at this secondary sale (separate from the merchandise). Such punishment may mean their hours are drastically cut or that they are placed on undesirable shifts.

How do I politely say “no” without humiliating myself or getting the employee in trouble?

GENTLE READER: By remembering that one may refuse a new credit card for reasons other than bad credit. Who knows? Perhaps you have so many credit cards that it would simply be a burden to keep track of yet another.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I couldn’t accept such a pricey item for free, so I looked at what I had in my wallet and said, “I have to at least give you $20.” He responded, “How’s $50?”

I smiled and insisted he give it to someone else or save it for himself, even after he said he’d take the $20 (albeit embarrassed).

Should I have just taken it, seeing as he’ll be gone soon as it is? Was I rude for offering money for a gift?

GENTLE READER: After a send-off this awkward, did everyone have to come to work wearing paper bags over their heads for a week afterwards, Miss Manners wonders?

Yes, it was rude to offer money for a gift. You certainly could have either accepted or declined it as you chose.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was hospitalized for two weeks with a serious illness that nearly took my life.

While I appreciate my kind friends, I was in no condition to receive visitors other than family members, who understood I didn’t have the energy or wherewithal to engage in chatter. Therefore, when friends called and said they would be coming to visit, I politely asked them to please wait until I was released from the hospital.

I have learned that several people took great umbrage at my request.

Was I wrong?

GENTLE READER: You were not wrong, but a more effective technique — not to mention one easier on yourself — would have been to deputize a family member to make your responses.

There is a natural (but obviously incorrect) tendency to think that someone well enough to talk on the phone cannot possibly be in mortal danger.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I were houseguests of some friends for a few days.

One day, we watched as the host returned a partially eaten piece of chicken to a pot of stew. Two days later, we were served the stew as leftovers.

This situation was repeated two more times during our stay: The host’s portions were jettisoned back into a bowl, refrigerated, and served for another meal.

We found what our host did to be unsanitary and repulsive. Although we did not want to eat these leftovers, we felt we had no alternative.

GENTLE READER: As guests in the house, you were essentially captives, Miss Manners realizes, but even were that not the case, she could not sanction telling a host you find his repotting the leftovers repulsive even once, much less three times. She says this whether it is the chicken or the complaints coming around one time or three.

While you cannot denounce the food, you can push it to the side and instead concentrate on the less well-pedigreed items.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

Fast-forward to now, and they have strongly hinted to me that they would like a baby shower. They just had one less than year ago, at which they received a massive amount of supplies! They do not have a big enough circle to invite all new guests.

My mother and I often watch their baby, so it’s not like we don’t care about them, but we do not wish to host a shower for them. We offered to throw them a gender reveal party, but that was quickly rejected without consideration.

My mother has told me that if a baby shower is thrown for them by my sister-in-law’s family (who also threw the last one), she would like to give them a pack of condoms! I was shocked — most of the shock arising from the fact that the idea originated from my usually puritanical mother.

I suggested that perhaps instead of presenting this “gift” in front of all my sister-in-law’s friends, it be given privately as a “welcome home from the hospital” present once the baby is born.

I would value your opinion on this matter.

GENTLE READER: It is that your mother should be allowed one tasteless joke within the family without its being spread around, much less acted upon.

Admittedly, the couple set a standard of tastelessness by discussing the conception and demanding a shower from relatives. But there is an extended family involved here, with a child to be added to it. This seems a good reason to end any kidding that perpetuates the notion that the child was unwanted.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband, George, insists that we thank our sweet puppy when he follows directions.

I explained that I do not believe thanking a pet is necessary, but I would be willing to send an inquiry to Miss Manners, who is the authority regarding etiquette.

George responded that he did not believe Miss Manners is an actual person, and is more likely a group of people in an office. He then went on to explain that even if Miss Manners is “real,” she isn’t the authority in all areas of etiquette.

My questions for Miss Manners are: What is the appropriate amount of time for George to sleep in the doghouse, and does etiquette require that I eventually allow him back into our house?

Not to vindicate him, exactly, but to sympathize.

Aside from the silliness of your alleged argument — and your satisfaction at getting Miss Manners to notice such silliness — it is good to be in the habit of giving thanks, even when not strictly necessary.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

We had regularly communicated how to use our wedding website for the schedule and other information, which also had a very clear registry tab with cash funds and physical gifts. We prefaced the registry by saying, “Your presence is enough, but if you would like to provide a gift, below are some experiences and items we’d love.”

Of the 100 attending, perhaps only 20% contributed in any fashion. (Some invitees who could not attend contributed, too.)

My wife and I were shocked at how few guests gave a gift, as our outlook would be to never attend a wedding without providing a congratulatory gift. Even for a destination wedding, the symbolism of helping the couple start the next chapter seems appropriate to us.

Are we off base for expecting more?

GENTLE READER: Oh, yes.

You are expecting them not to believe that their presence — having flown in from around the globe — is enough, even though you told them it was.

Mind you, Miss Manners is not saying that travel expenses are sufficient payment for destination weddings. Rather, she is saying that it is unseemly to expect any payment from guests at any wedding. Your pretending that you do not expect anything, while declaring what you want to receive, is not fooling anyone.

As you made that statement about presence being enough, you should try to live up to it.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I attended a large indoor/outdoor music festival. Many concertgoers understandably wear huge hats for shade at the outdoor stages. However, they often keep their hats on at the indoor sit-down stages, too.

At one show, someone at an indoor stage sat down directly in front of me and did not remove their huge hat. My view of the stage was completely blocked. There was no other seat in the house for me to move to.

Would it have been OK for me to tap them on the shoulder and politely ask them to remove their hat? My assumption is that it simply did not occur to them they were blocking someone’s view and would gladly have removed their hat if reminded.

GENTLE READER: Funny, that is exactly the way it is supposed to work: You presumed that the person was unaware that they were inconveniencing you, and you could have called this to their attention politely and quietly, without any hint of accusation — believing that they would be grateful to be told of an inadvertent transgression that could be easily corrected.

Miss Manners is sad to have to tell you that it would be far more common, nowadays, for the complaint to be worded as an insult, and the reaction to be a declaration of the offender’s right to offend. When everyone is spoiling for a fight, the result is an unpleasant public.

Miss Manners wishes you had risked making a polite request. You might have received a polite response — and you would have been able to see the stage.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.