Dear Eric: I grew up in a degree of poverty. Most of my friends have done “OK” financially.
All of us but one is now retired and she is hoping to retire soon at age 73. She’s continued to work as she’s worried about not having sufficient funds during retirement. The other two have to pinch pennies a bit and many decisions are made based upon cost.
I made different choices than the others and have been fortunate financially. As a result, I’m significantly better off than the others and have excess income and assets.
I’d like to make their lives easier by helping them out financially. Even $10,000 would allow the still-working one to pay off her car loan and thereby retire with a higher level of security and allow another to reduce her mortgage.
I’ve been trying to figure out a way to help them without offending their pride and making them feel the financial chasm between us. I’ve been unable to come up with a winning method.
Do you have any suggestions, or should I just let each of them figure out things on their own?
– Wanting to Be Generous
Dear Generous: First of all, would you like to be my friend, as well? My pride can certainly withstand a $10,000 gift.
Your friends’ pride can, too. They’ve already shared enough of their financial realities with you that you’re aware of some of the worries and the needs. This indicates that they see you as someone safe and trustworthy.
And they already know that you are in a more secure financial position. Speaking to the reality of the financial chasm isn’t going to make it any more real.
So, ask them directly. “I would like to pay off your car loan; would you allow me to do that?” Or “Is there an amount of money that would make your life easier? I don’t want to offend you, but I want to show you love as a friend.”
Often, we avoid discussing money with friends out of politeness or pride. But the truths of our financial situations still impact every part of our friendships, from what we can do socially to how safe we feel in the world.
Acknowledging reality and possibility with your friends may be awkward at first, but it can make everything else easier.
Dear Eric: My daughter recently gave birth in California to her second child one month earlier than expected. We have a good relationship and get along very well.
She notified me via text that she was in labor and on the way to the hospital. In that same text, she informed me that her mother-in-law was flying out to California that same day from New York.
I also live in New York and was not asked if I could come out the day she went into labor. I am guessing that my son-in-law contacted his mother first.
My husband and I had previously made plans to go out to California two weeks before my daughter’s due date, as per her request. We never expected the baby to come a month early.
I am very hurt that the mother-in-law was notified instead of me. Several friends seemed surprised and said, “She is out there, not you?”
I have not asked my daughter about this because I do not want to upset her since she is overly emotional right now with possible postpartum depression. My immediate family thinks I am being overly sensitive.
– Slighted Mother
Dear Mother: You’re talking about a matter of minutes between texts, if that.
I feel like I’m staring at a conspiracy board covered in screenshots of text messages and flight maps. But what I don’t see – respectfully – is a slight.
Here’s my theory: Your daughter went into labor unexpectedly; this is surprising, scary even. Her husband texted his mother. Maybe he’s dashing down the hall for the go bag while he does it. Maybe there’s chaos. Meanwhile, your daughter is trying to do a lot of things at once, including texting you and being in labor.
His mother wrote back that she was going to come. Your daughter gave you this information so that you wouldn’t feel slighted or surprised to find out that – hours later – the mother-in-law was taxiing up to the gate.
You were perfectly capable of booking a same-day flight at that moment. It’s fine that you didn’t, but stop placing the blame on your daughter.
Let go of the hurt you’ve been nursing. Now. Your daughter needs you. She has two children and is experiencing postpartum depression. This is not the moment to be caught up in one-upmanship with an in-law.
You’ll regret it if your feelings about these texts get in the way of offering her love, support, and understanding as she navigates this emotionally complicated time.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110.)
