City & Shore Magazine |

What ruined it for me: Five over-the-top cruise experiences

Before we begin, please take a moment to complete our annual standard fill-in-the-blank question:

“I was fine with _____ until _____ ruined _____ for me.”

There’s no right or wrong answer. Your response will surely vary from ours.

We could say we were fine with a magic act on our first cruise, for example, until seeing a Broadway-ready “Beetlejuice The Musical” aboard NCL’s new “Viva.” We were fine with a midnight buffet with a lot of strangers around a communal table until we got a table for two at Chef Daniel Boulud’s Le Voyage aboard Celebrity Cruise’s new “Ascent.” We were even fine with going home until we got to spend a day in a villa at Silver Cove, NCL’s 270-acre private retreat within its private island on Great Stirrup Cay in the Bahamas, ruined that for us, too.

Such classic cruise experiences turning extraordinary may sound tempting, but they also come with a warning: Once an object of desire comes close enough to touch, can you ever go back?

There’s no right or wrong answer here. Your response will surely vary from ours.

But we were fine with sleep until these five cruise dreams ruined it for us.

Ending a cruise

Until getting to stay aboard “The World,” residences at sea, aboardtheworld.com

Comes a time on every cruise when the cruise must come to an end. Don’t be sad it’s ending, they say on the way off the ship, be happy it happened. Don’t forget your charger. And don’t expect to get off the ship any time soon because everybody else is trying to get off the ship on the elevators at the same time! You know, everything you expect on a cruise when the cruise comes to an end. Except aboard “The World,” the largest private residential yacht in the world. At the end of a leg of its yearly cruise around the globe – Greenland to NewFoundland, for example, or Argentina to Antarctica or just Nassau to Miami – you’re not at the end of the cruise. You’re already home. Leave the charger in the wall socket. No line at the elevators. Stay in your studio-up-to-three-bedroom home aboard and call housekeeping to reserve one of the Bali Beds with champagne and a view of the stars high up on deck 12 aft. Sip tea on a Cleopatra infrared marble lounger after a luxurious treatment down in the spa on Deck 5. Make a reservation at one of the four fine dining restaurants onboard – Portraits, The Marina, Tides and East – where the food paired with wines from an award-winning list would likely land Michelin stars on land. (Black grouper, Yukon Gold potatoes and wild mushrooms go surprisingly well with a Bachelet-Monnot Puligny-Montrachet from the ship’s formidable wine vault). Or just plan your next days at sea, playing tennis on the only regulation-sized tennis court at sea, relaxing by one of the two pools, listening to lectures and discussions “with authors, professors, Nobel laureates and other knowledgeable experts’’ in the Colosseo theater on Deck 5. “The World”’s worldly destinations – democratically chosen by a vote of the people in the 165 residences – change each year. Explorations this year – which started in Antarctica on Jan. 1 and conclude Dec. 31 in Cabo San Lucas – will include calls in Tristan da Cunha, Durban, South Africa, Bangkok, Thailand, and Pago Pago, among many others. How much for all of this? Well, if you have to ask. But how do you put a price on sitting on the deck of your own home while the rest of the world comes to you?

Aspiring to life in a penthouse

Until you see the Owner’s Suite on Oceania’s “Vista,” oceaniacruises.com

I was settling into a penthouse suite on Deck 11 of Oceania’s “Vista,” marveling at my 420 square feet of space. (Checking to see if I’ve owned houses smaller than this. Check, I have.) More than space, there’s a full-sized tile bathtub/shower, walk-in closet, king-sized bed, separate seating area … and a normal-sized bottle of Heidsieck Monopole champagne chilling in a bucket on the dining table. I pop the cork, pour the champagne into a Riedel glass, step through the sliding glass door out onto the private veranda and marvel at how much space I’ve got out here, too. (Checking to see if I’ve owned storage sheds smaller than this. Check, yes.) And that was only the start of the marvels. My own butler – Jude – stopped by to say hello and see if I needed anything else. Hmmm. Did I? I already had cold champagne, 24-hour room service, gourmet canapes, Oceania cotton towels, robe and slippers, a big-screen TV on the wall, an iPad, if I wanted one; Acqua di Parma toiletries and Belgian chocolates on the bedspread at turndown. No, come to think of it, I couldn’t think of a darn thing I needed. There was no way this could get any better. Until I saw the Owner’s Suite on Deck 10. There’s 2,200 to 2,400 square feet of space there, spanning the beam of the ship. The equivalent of 5.71 penthouse suites. I could bring the family, I thought. Possibly a house full of family. Possibly the House of Representatives. More than space, there’s even a Grand Foyer outside the door. (Important when greeting the House of Representatives). A living room, a dining room, a king-sized bed with five choices of pillows and a built-in pop-up TV screen; his and her walk-in teak closet, a bathroom with a soaking tub, an ocean-view shower, floor-to-ceiling windows … and six (6) bottles of yellow-label Veuve Clicquot champagne chilling in the private mini fridge in the kitchen. I can’t pop the cork, or pour the champagne into a crystal glass here, because, technically, I’m just visiting; but I step through the sliding door out onto the private veranda overlooking the ship’s wake and marvel at how much more space I’ve got here, too. So much, for a moment, I wonder if I’ve somehow wandered onto the tennis court. (Checking to see if I have. Check, I have not.) I sit down on the plush furniture on the wrap-around balcony, stare into the deep blue distance. And think, there’s no way this could get any better.

Instagramming

After Instagramming aboard Celebrity “Ascent” and “Beyond,” celebritycruises.com.

There’s so much to do aboard Celebrity’s new “Ascent” and “Beyond,” which debuted late last year and the year before, respectively, at Port Everglades. From morning stretches at 7 a.m. in the Fitness Center on Deck 15 to midnight shaking with DJ Sonic Snares at 12:30 a.m. and beyond (so, technically, the following morning) in The Club on Decks 4 and 5. In between, you could exhaust yourself trying to keep up with everything there is to do here, from Texas Hold’em Tournaments in the casino, to live music sessions on multiple decks, to shopping at Bvlgari, Piaget, Cartier and La Maison du Chocolat, among many other fine retailers; to sporting events screened on the massive outdoor high-definition TV screen in the rooftop garden (yes, real shrubbery), to pickleball tournaments, to sampling beers in Craft Social Bar on Deck 4, to yoga at sunset, to dressing up and sitting down in The Theatre for a jaw-dropping, cirque-style show, to tucking in before or after the shows at 32 distinct food and beverage experiences, from snacks at one of the 14 cafes, bars and lounges to fine dining at four specialty restaurants, including Chef Daniel Boulud’s Michelin-Star tempting menu at Le Voyage and some extraordinary steaks and sides at the Fine Cut Restaurant; to rubbing shoulders – sometimes literally – with the lithe and sinewy cast of the “Smoke & Ivories” show as they slink through the crowd at The Club on their way to the stage – and, whew, that’s about 15 percent of the “to do’’ list. Pace yourself, because there’s even more going on around you. A giant elephant lording over the pool area on “Beyond.” A giant silvery octopus overseeing the pool area on “Ascent.” The gardens of Eden, the fine-dining restaurant overlooking the wake on both ships. Towering, open-air hallways that connect the front and back of the ship on Deck 14. Hot tubs that seem perched in giant wine goblets. The Magic Carpet, which has a different use on every deck it visits – including a fine dining venue and bar – appears from a distance to give the ship an orange handbag handle designed by Judith Leiber. You’ll wear out your Instagram account. Because there’s so much to do aboard “Ascent” and “Beyond,” and even more to see and share.

Taking a walk

After taking a walk around Ocean Boulevard aboard Norwegian Cruise Line’s “Viva” and “Prima,” ncl.com

Think of the world’s great promenades. I’ll wait. My list would include the Avenue des Champs-Élysées in Paris, Las Ramblas in Barcelona … and Ocean Boulevard aboard Norwegian Cruise Line’s Prima Class ships, “Viva” and “Prima.” The 44,000-square-foot outdoor walkway on Deck 8 on both ships has everything the Champs-Élysées, Las Ramblas and every other great promenade in the world has. Sidewalk cafes and bars. Outdoor art. Music. People watching. The Prima-Class ships have all of that – and the formidable upgrade of an ocean to watch as you walk in sea breezes from one end of the ship to the other. And infinity-style pools, should you prefer a soak. And glass-bottom bridges to watch the ocean pass underfoot. It’s a great, mostly uninterrupted place to exercise, too. (Although, if you’re running, the bar area in the stern can get crowded around sunset). It took me eight minutes and four seconds to walk at a steady pace completely around the ship on Ocean Boulevard. (Your results may vary, depending how long you stop for a vanilla, chocolate or swirl cone from the soft-serve machine at Just Ice Cream along the way.) If you’re hungrier than that, duck into one of the 11 adjacent eateries. If you get thirsty, stop at Soleil Bar on the stern for a cold Hoegaarden Belgian Wheat or India Pale Ale or Kombucha, among others, on tap. If you’ve been wondering what that ship is on the horizon, look for clues through one of the viewing telescopes positioned along the way. If you want a place to sit and sip Starbucks, there’s seating on port and starboard sides. So few cruise ships these days have a promenade all the way around the ship – a welcome throwback to the great age of sailing. The lights are even dimmed at night on the bow-end of the ship, and, if you’re looking for stars, they blaze out of reach of light everywhere else on board. It’s another throwback, and still one of the best shows at sea – presented with nothing more than the wind and rushing sea as a soundtrack. Not even the world’s greatest promenades have that.

Driving

Until you’ve driven the Speedway aboard Norwegian “Viva,” ncl.com

I’d never understood the appeal of driving in Miami traffic to PortMiami to go aboard a cruise ship where one of the biggest attractions is to drive in Miami-caliber traffic on the largest three-level raceway at sea. Then I tried it – and I wanna go again! It’s not that you get to go all that fast on Norwegian Cruise Line’s “Viva” blacktop, which coils up, down and around Decks 18-20. Topping off around 25 mph, the speedway’s one-person EV go-karts go only a little faster, on average, than actual traffic in Miami. (According to one study last year, the average speed in downtown Miami is 15 mph, down from 19 mph the year before). It’s not that you get to pull a cool head sock over your head – just like a real F1 driver – or pull on a badass MTR helmet with visor or step into a low-slung racer that fits about as snug as you imagine a fireproof F1 suit would fit. It’s not even the thrill of acceleration – which I would conservatively estimate is approximately 0 to 25 in about half a second! – or whizzing past up to 14 other determined drivers on the winding, twisty racetrack for control of the leaderboard. (People hang around the viewing area waiting for the results of their eight-lap heats like they’re going to get a seven-figure endorsement deal out of it). No, really, it’s just the thrill of whizzing through all 14, guard-rail guarded turns at the very top of a 20-deck ship incongruously overlooking the sea or the Vibe Beach Club on Deck 17 or even downtown Miami, if the ship happens to be in port. Where you can look down on all the drivers who are not having near as much fun in traffic.

Mark Gauert is the editor of City & Shore, the Sun Sentinel’s magazine. Write to him at mgauert@sun-sentinel.com.