DEAR MISS MANNERS: I abhor being asked what I do for work, as I find it the laziest way to glean anything about my being.
I am happy with what I do, the environment I work in (academia) and the people with whom I interact most frequently.
But when I’m asked by strangers what I do, I’d rather they ask about the origins of my last name, where I purchased the sweater they covet, or the last meal that made me giggle with glee.
What might be a positive derailment for the work question? I understand that it is a common conversation starter, but once I’m asked what I do, my interest in life goes gray.
GENTLE READER: There is hardly a conversation opener left that some do not consider offensive. Even the weather isn’t safe, as it could lead to controversy about climate change.
Nor are your examples. Questions about surnames may imply that someone doesn’t really belong, and asking about purchases may seem to inquire about financial status. (The one about giggling over meals simply bewilders Miss Manners.)
But as you say, the questioner is merely trying to start a conversation. So start one, about whatever topic you like. Asked about your job, you could say, for example, “It leaves me time to garden, which is my favorite occupation.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one dress for the opera nowadays?
It’s our first time at the Met, and I got good seats for my wife and myself.
In London, I wore a suit, and then after the pandemic, I wore chinos and a jacket.
London is easygoing. Is New York snooty?
GENTLE READER: Snooty?
Please do not use that word anywhere near the opera, which you obviously love. It is an association that has driven people away from enjoying robust music and stories of sex and violence, thinking that opera is fit only for snobs — who don’t really enjoy it, but believe that it conveys class and status.
Nonsense. Historically, opera in America was mass entertainment. Opera companies traveled around the country, where towns had opera houses — and opinionated audiences to fill them.
How did they dress? Probably in their Sunday best. Dressing up was a way to show respect and a sense of occasion. Besides, it can be fun.
But it can also turn competitive. And in 19th-century New York, competition among the rich centered on the opera house — not only in regard to dress and jewels, but also as to who was allowed to buy box tickets. Ordinary people were priced out of the competition and reacted by rioting in the streets.
But the idea stuck: that opera was a somewhat ridiculous indulgence for showoffs, and not for honest folk. Which explains why this once hugely popular entertainment is in financial trouble today.
Wear whatever you like. You will not be the only person who dresses down — and Miss Manners may not be the only one who dresses up. And neither of us will sneer at the other.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
