Dear Eric: My brother’s son, “Dan,” has chosen to totally delete his dad from his life. He has refused all forms of contact for more than a year.
My brother, who has no idea why Dan has disengaged without explanation, continues to attempt contact via our usual forms of communication, but to no avail.
How does a family approach this conundrum? We are baffled and so deeply saddened by this turn of events.
What message is Dan sending to his two sons, my brother’s grandsons?
– Dismayed Aunt
Dear Aunt: I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Estrangement is jarring. It runs cracks through the foundation of a family. And for an extended family it can feel hopelessly confusing.
I know that your brother says this came out of nowhere, but I wish that we had more information from him about what exactly that “nowhere” looked like before Dan cut off all contact.
Often, estranged parents are willfully or accidentally blind to the events that precipitated the divide. It’s hard to say what a healthy path forward is without knowing more about Dan and your brother’s relationship.
If Dan will speak to you, you should reach out to him. Don’t try to lobby on your brother’s behalf, simply ask Dan to share his perspective with you. See if he’s open to a relationship with you.
Family members don’t have to be judge and jury in disputes like this. Indeed, it’s best if you don’t make a ruling.
There’s something that has hurt Dan so deeply that his only recourse, he feels, is to cut off contact with his father. See if he’s open to an outstretched hand and a listening ear.
Dear Eric: Throughout my childhood, my cousin always had to have her friend join family events.
Fast-forward 40 years and my cousin has moved back home after widowhood. Guess who’s back at everything?
The friend is a lovely person. I have no issue with her. It’s just that sometimes we want it to be only family. How do I broach this?
– Perplexed Cousin
Dear Cousin: Where I’m from, people used to talk about having “play cousins” – people who weren’t really related to you but with whom you were often expected to hang out because your parents were friends, or what have you.
I think you have a play cousin.
And your blood relative, your actual cousin, may see her friend as part of the family. She may care about her as if they were related.
It’s also possible that they have a deeper relationship.
Ask your cousin in a nonjudgmental way to tell you about the friendship. Ask her if the friend feels more like family. Depending on what your cousin says, you may just need to set another place at the table.
Dear Eric: I am a 65-year-old widow with two sons in their late 20s. No partners or grandchildren, and that’s fine with me as they are still young and maturing.
One lives too far away to see more than twice a year. The other lives close enough for me to have dinner with once a week. I try not to be needy and give them space, but I’m lonely and I’m sad they don’t call me more often.
I think they’re just living their lives and not thinking about me, which I probably did to my parents when I was their age.
Am I expecting too much?
I tend to take it personally and think they don’t like me, which seems absurd. When I do talk to them, there’s no conflicts or problems that would discourage them from reaching out again.
Would I be wrong to tell them I’m lonely and would like to hear from them more often?
For the record, I am trying to expand my social circle and do things I’m interested in, but I’m growing tired of doing things alone and it takes a long time to make new close friends. I also can’t help but think if I’d had a girl, it would be different.
– Lonely Mom
Dear Mom: Please tell your sons how you feel! Healthy communication can be such a gift. Please tell them what they can do to help you. That’s a gift, too.
They may have busy lives, but you’re a part of those lives as well.
Sometimes, in relationships, it’s hard to carry the burden of advocating for ourselves. But I believe that your sons would be saddened to find out that you had this ache and didn’t ask for help.
Try setting up a regular phone date with each of them, it will give you all something to look forward to. Plus, knowing that you’ll be chatting – and wanting to have something to chat about – might also give you an extra boost in your effort to find things that interest you.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
