Dear Eric: I’m a 42-year-old woman who is child-free by choice.
I always remember birthdays, and love giving thoughtfully chosen gifts to the people in my life (my nearest and dearest, especially). But let’s be honest, we aren’t always close with everyone we’re related to, and at a certain point it gets to be a bit much.
Everyone, it seems, is having kids, except for me. My husband and I are desperately trying to save for a house and I’m struggling with the feeling of inequity and imbalance around this never-ending custom of baby gifts. And truthfully, I feel a little bitter about it. (Most of these people don’t even remember my birthday.)
I realize I’m likely putting too much pressure on myself, but should I be expected to give presents to everyone in my life, even those on the periphery?
– Present Not Accounted For
Dear Present: Something that brought you joy is now creating undue stress, and so it’s time to let it go.
While your generosity was selfless, it also made you feel good to give presents and bring people joy – that’s as it should be. You’re allowed to get a lift from doing nice things. When that lift becomes an albatross, however, something has to change.
So, without further ado, please welcome to the stage … a nice card! Have you seen the advances scientists have made in the field of card stock? It’s really something. Those with the pop-up bouquets are my favorite.
Giving a thoughtfully selected card instead of a thoughtfully selected gift may not give you the same lift, but by establishing an internal rule that you’re going to give everyone and their baby a sweet gesture that lets them know you’re thinking about them, you can begin to relieve some of the burden you’ve put on yourself.
Some family members may have something to say when/if they notice the change, but an expectation on their part does not mean an obligation on yours.
Tell them, “We’re trying out new ways of showing our love and excitement, but if there’s anything you need, know we’re always here for you.”
Dear Eric: Should I go to Tanzania for two weeks with people I don’t know and one person I only kind of know?
I mentioned I wanted to go to Tanzania some day and this lady in the movie theater said, “Oh, I’m going to Tanzania and we need one more person in our group.”
With airfare and safari costs, it will be $8,000. I have the money, but I was planning to invest in a mutual fund. Should I go?
– Impromptu Invitation
Dear Invitation: No! Do not go to a second location with random people from movie theaters!
Report to your financial adviser’s office, stat. It sounds like you just want something to spend money on.
Dear Eric: Ugh, I’m getting divorced.
Should I buy a new house close to work, eliminate my commute and have a bigger, nicer place, or should I buy another house in my current neighborhood, where I’m comfortable and have friends, community, babysitters, and city life and culture around?
Current commute is about 30 minutes each way.
– Uprooted and Commuted
Dear Uprooted: Being closer to friends is better than being closer to work.
As you’re figuring out what comes next, the benefit of more space and no commute won’t be as great as that of deepening your existing relationships in your community and making use of the support system you’ve already established.
You’re going through a period of such huge upheaval; finding a new babysitter for a night when you really need to unwind sounds like a bridge too far.
You’ve got roots where you are and while your divorce is going to change the nature of some of those roots, and even cut some off, there’s a beautiful possibility that many of those roots will only get more secure. I encourage you to give yourself that possibility.
This bigger, nicer house could be lovely, but I’ll take a more modest abode filled with people, laughter, and life any day.
By the by, my girl Goldilocks just swung by with a third suggestion. Is it possible to split the difference and find a bigger place that’s midway between work and where you live now?
There was a study published in the journal Transportation in 2001 that found that for most people, the ideal commute is 16 minutes (chosen even over having no commute at all). Your mileage may vary, quite literally, but maybe giving yourself some drive time back while not burdening friendships with distance is your best option.
Congratulations on starting this new journey in your life, even if it comes with some tough logistical and emotional twists and turns.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
