It was mostly very good. We raised and homeschooled and launched seven marvelous human beings! But our relationship began to break down after an empty nest and retirement. That is what it is.

I have known my brothers- and sisters-in-law for those 50 years. I have grown very close to some of the brothers-in-law, particularly.

During this excruciatingly slow demise of our marriage, I have avoided family reunions on her side. After the divorce later this year, I would like to resume attending the major family reunions and include visits to my ex-in-laws from time to time.

I know that if I hint at my willingness to resume such visits, they would graciously respond and invite me. But how do I negotiate the actual long weekend of a family reunion with possibly dozens of my direct descendants and as many in-laws, nieces and nephews and their children and, of course, my ex-wife?

I will be warmly welcomed by all of my ex-in-laws, but my ex-wife and I have descended into almost no interchange, and what little remains is cold and perfunctory.

I wish to maintain these lifelong relationships. What are some guidelines and approaches that I might use?

– In With the Exes

Dear In: Your ex-wife doesn’t “own” her family but it is her family of origin and so you have to overcome the coldness and ask her how she’d feel about you coming.

You do this because you don’t want her to feel that you’ve usurped a space of refuge for her. And you also do this to make sure she knows that these gatherings are a space of refuge for you.

I’d be surprised if she declined. It sounds like there’s going to be a lot of people there; you wouldn’t be forced to interact. But you should get the feelings out in the open first.

This conversation may also help settle lingering resentments. You don’t want to be blindsided by a misread of the situation or her feelings.

As to the weekend itself, if she’s fine with you being there, then enter unencumbered and don’t dwell on others’ questions about what happened.

You have 50 years of history with these folks; they’ll be happy to see you and there are plenty of other things to talk about.

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law’s husband passed away several years ago. Over the years, my husband and I only saw them occasionally for holidays.

A year after her husband passed away, she suddenly announced that she would be moving back to her hometown where we reside.

She purchased a home in a 55+ community 15 minutes from our home. As a result of her being now in very close proximity to us, we feel obligated to invite her on family vacations, dinners out and other family activities and outings.

We expected she would establish new friendships and build a new life here but we have become her primary source of companionship.

I would like to spend more time with my husband now and not have to always include her every time we make plans. It’s becoming an issue in my marriage.

Additionally, her health is declining and she may be thinking we’ll also provide elder care as she ages.

I don’t want to appear callous and uncaring but I did not expect a threesome at this stage of my life. How can we tactfully let her know how we feel?

– Three’s a Crowd

Dear Crowd: Even though you felt it was an obligation, you did become her de facto social director so it’s not unreasonable that she’s been slow to fill out her own dance card.

So, stop. Plan a vacation or night out and let her know, “We’re going away and we just want some time for us. Are there some events happening in your community that you think you’ll enjoy?”

Even more importantly, you and your husband should talk with her about her long-term care plans. Does she have a financial plan in place? Does she have long-term care insurance? What are the resources in the 55+ community that she can avail herself of? What is her financial situation? Has she thought about medical directives?

She should do some thinking about how she wants to spend the next decades because help won’t just appear. Have the conversations now so that no one has assumptions or expectations and your sister-in-law is able to proactively make a plan and ask for help when needed.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

We used to see each other every weekend like clockwork for years, and then, without any explanation, they dropped off the face of the earth. No contact attempts from them whatsoever.

Naturally, this dynamic no longer includes gifts or greeting cards.

Last year, I learned that three of these now-distant relatives have been in constant connection with one another.

In the interest of rebuilding a connection, I sent each of them a simple birthday gift in the mail to let them know that they’re loved and were being thought of. Not one of them reached out to thank me for the gifts I sent them.

Just like one of your previous columns noted, I feel sometimes no answer is an answer.

This year, I just sent a quick text as birthday wishes. Yep, you guessed it: They acknowledged my texts! Message received. They prefer not to participate in gifts.

But then riddle me this: They don’t acknowledge my gifts, we hardly ever speak, yet they will send me hundreds of dollars for my birthday and Christmas? What is going on here?

– To Give Or Not To Give

Dear Give: The plot twist at the end of your question really got me! Hundreds of dollars? Oh my word!

These relatives may not think they’re as distant as you think they are. Money talks, but sometimes it mumbles. Reach out to ask your relatives to translate.

Try a phone call. “We’ve been out of contact for a while. Did something happen and, if so, can we fix it?” They may think, since they’re sending stacks of cash, that all is well.

The fact that the break happened around the pandemic might be a clue here, also. It was easy for relationships to fall out of rhythm and some haven’t recovered. It was also a fraught time politically. So, maybe someone in your immediate family posted something online that the distant relatives didn’t like.

Judging by the gifts, though, they’ve clearly thought of you. Reach out and find out exactly what they’re thinking.

Dear Eric: I recently discovered my husband was messaging/talking to three women through the dating portion of Facebook.

I saw messages on his phone from one woman and a phone call for 44 minutes.

I confronted him and he said he was trying to learn how to communicate and he was not cheating.

I decided that if he thought this was OK, then it should be OK for myself, too. I started my own profile in the dating portion of Facebook. He did not like the attention I was getting and he shut down his account and ended all communication. I also ended mine.

We have a great intimate relationship but I’m still hurt and untrusting of him. We have been through a lot over the past 28 years. Do you have any advice?

– Sore Messenger

Dear Messenger: Of all the places one can “learn how to communicate,” Facebook’s dating section is the least ideal. Was Toastmasters booked?

While he may think he wasn’t cheating, it’s clear that what he was doing was outside the bounds of your relationship as it currently stands. Clarity about where the lines are, especially if the lines have moved in the last 28 years, will help you both act with love and respect.

Ask him what he’s looking for and if there are things he’s not getting. Ask yourself that, too, and don’t be afraid to tell him.

It may be that you both agree that taking “conversation lessons” like Eliza Doolittle in “My Fair Lady” is OK. His jealousy about the attention you were getting shouldn’t dictate the rules.

But I’d be very cautious of making any moves that are simply tit for tat. You can’t revenge date your way to a healthier relationship.

However, if you want to add more zip to your talks with each other, try the conversational card games “The And” by Skin Deep and “Where Should We Begin” by Esther Perel.

[The question above was answered in the Ask Amy column several weeks ago. Here’s what Amy said.]

Dear Eric: Abandoned Grandmother was hurt that she sent money to her grandkids and heard nothing back.

I don’t have that problem, because I communicate with the younger kiddos in my life via social media and money transfer via apps.

– Social Media Grandma

Dear Grandma: That’s very generous! And very creative! Cheers!

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

After the last assessment three years ago, the neuropsychologist indicated that we were probably having him evaluated more often than he needed.

I’ve gotten help for my own anxiety about this and feel like I’m handling that part of it much better. But I still find myself frustrated and impatient when we set up procedures or tools or lists or whiteboards that are intended to help him, and he either forgets to use them or delusionally believes himself capable of remembering without them.

He is quite capable and independent now, but I will be his caregiver as he grows older. If I’m this frustrated and at a loss now, I’m concerned about what is to come.

– Trying to Stay on Task

Dear Task: Fear of future forgetfulness is crowding your present. Try to stay in the here and now.

In the book “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help,” Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery write, “You can’t shame yourself, or be shamed, into being more functional.” This is a message for your husband and for you.

Your anxiety and frustration aren’t something that you should feel ashamed of, but they aren’t going to be effective catalysts to positively change in your relationship.

When your husband doesn’t take advantage of help, it probably feels like a personal affront. It’s not. Don’t take his neurological state personally.

His memory struggles are also frustrating and possibly shame-inducing for him, too.

Have a conversation about places in your life where you feel like you’re carrying more than your share of the burden. Do this without blame and with a focus on solutions to which you can both commit.

Even though your husband’s memory issues are age-related, your state’s Department of Aging will have resources for you. For instance, the Texas Department of Aging has a hotline staffed by trained professionals – 855-YES-ADRC.

Dear Eric: I’ve been living with my niece for the past year since my mom passed. Neither of us knows anyone outside of family.

I lived with mom until she had to go into a nursing home. I can’t work because I’m on disability and haven’t had a job in 20 years. I haven’t made new friends in a long time.

It’s a struggle to pay bills. I have food stamps and go to the pantry, but it goes fast. I need objective advice on how to get ahead.

– Falling Behind

Dear Falling: You’re confronting social problems and financial problems at once. It’s no wonder you’re overwhelmed.

Choose one small part of this seemingly insurmountable constellation of troubles and make a plan to chip away at it. If it’s your isolation you want to address, make a goal of meeting one neighbor a week, for instance.

Visit your library and ask for help locating free local financial management services or literature.

You’ve experienced a lot of upheaval in the past year. It will take time to get your bearings. Challenge yourself with manageable goals but make sure you also celebrate your wins, too.

Dear Eric: I cried when I learned that Amy Dickinson was leaving her advice column. At my age, this old heart is just so broken.

Another ending is facing me, and I don’t know where to put my feelings. Amy’s column helped me through so many sad, terrible and confusing times.

She truly helped, not in any professional way but in a kind, neighborly way.

How do I ameliorate this great sadness from losing yet another wise voice? How do I survive now in this increasingly cruel, ageist, heterosexist, and just plain mean world?

– No More Endings

Many column questions are about having trouble with change. That’s human and it can be hard. It can feel like we’re being left behind. When change isn’t what we want, the world can feel full of endings.

I’ve learned that, though I can’t stop change, I can adjust my relationship to it so that I can be in the flow of change. I can see endings as also new beginnings, as invitations to dream possibilities, and as a chance to commemorate what was and what will always be. I wish that for you, as well.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

I tried many ways and many times to explain why I didn’t like spending time with my brother.

I don’t like the person he is. I didn’t like his parenting that was demeaning to his adopted son, nor that he said my stepchildren weren’t “real” because they weren’t adopted.

He has gaslighted and demeaned me our whole lives.

When I had open heart surgery, my then-wife asked me to tell him not to come in so she could have quiet time to contemplate; he showed up and kept talking to her for four hours.

In each instance, he turned the conversation to how hurt he was by my reasons. Instead of recognizing my concerns he demanded apologies.

As I’m circling the drain, I really don’t want to waste energy with him.

He wants to keep getting together and, when we do, he calls my ex to complain that I seem distant.

Really, I’m dying and don’t want to be there.

– Distant Brother

Dear Brother: No matter how much time any of us has, life is too short to waste on people who don’t respect our boundaries.

You’ve been clear with your brother, and he continues to ignore your boundaries and those of the people around you. You don’t owe him anything.

And you don’t have to get together with him anymore. That part is over.

Tell your ex-wife to stop taking his calls. If you have a close relationship with her, she may even take on some of the burden of shielding you from your brother’s invitations. Lean on your support network here.

If you want to mark a formal end to the relationship with your brother, write a letter. But this is likely to invite more conversation and I’m doubtful more conversation will get you anywhere.

Better to spend your time doing things that bring you peace and joy – away from him.

Dear Eric: My husband of 40 years died July 21, 2023, and I’m having a hard time letting go. He was declining due to dementia, and he treated me very badly in the last couple of months of his life.

The pneumonia that he died of was pretty swift-acting, so we never talked about anything.

I’m trying to keep the good memories alive and shed the bad, but it’s so difficult. Any suggestions on what I can do?

– Grieving Wife

Dear Wife: I’m so sorry for the loss you’re enduring and for the treatment you received during the last months of your husband’s life.

Grief is never simple, but the complicated grief that can arise from illness-related personality changes and abuse is particularly hard.

First, grant yourself grace. This will take a while; it will probably take longer than you want. Let yourself be where you are in the grief process. You’re learning as you go.

Be very intentional about your focus on the good memories. Write them down. Revel in them. Reach out to friends and loved ones to reminisce on the good. Thank yourself and your husband for them.

This won’t banish the bad memories, but it can help them to recede in time. The bad memories have the advantage of recency and intensity, but you know they’re not the full truth of your marriage.

In time, ask yourself if you’re ready to forgive your husband for the way he treated you in his final days. Even though you know that wasn’t him, it’s important that you give yourself the chance to release that.

In the book “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief”, David Kessler writes, “The incident you’re holding on to is over… It will help you to remember that forgiveness is seldom for ‘them’. It is for you.”

Time won’t change how complicated the past is. But time does offer you the opportunity, little by little, to see the past in context.

Dear Eric: I’m a Foreign Service Officer serving in an American Citizens Services unit of the consular section of an embassy in South America.

We get emails and calls from people who are in various stages of being victimized by romance scams and other scams all the time.

We’ve seen plenty of altered passport pages or a claim that someone “has been in touch with the Embassy” when they very much have not.

– Seen It All

Dear Seen It All: This is a wonderful resource. Thank you!

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

Recently, mutual friends of ours (also seniors in high school) have reached out to tell me that the addiction has gotten worse and asked me for help on what to do.

I suggested an intervention with friends but, since these kids organizing the intervention are just seniors in high school, I also offered to speak to Harper’s parents.

When I told my family, they all unanimously told me I should stay out of it and not get involved.

I know she also told me to stay out of it, but don’t her parents have a right to know what’s going on?

Am I even the right person to get involved or would I just look like the crazy ex-girlfriend?

– Caring Ex

Dear Caring: Harper and your family have been very clear. Inserting yourself is only going to complicate things for Harper and for you.

Many people who have “fixer” tendencies would do better asking themselves what a “helper” would do. Helping often starts (and sometimes stops) with the question “do you want my help at all?”

Kaitlin Kindman, LCSW, of Kindman & Company, told me, “There are boundaries here and it’s not OK to cross them. A letter to Harper may be a good way of expressing what’s true for the letter writer, respectfully. The letter writer can put in their own words what it feels like to see this person decline in this way.”

Lean on your support system to help you step back with love and care for yourself.

You can give that letter to your friends to deliver but run it by a trusted family member first.

Ask your parents if they’d feel comfortable reaching out to Harper’s parents. And accept the answer they give you, even if it’s “not at this time.”

Lastly, before your friends stage their intervention, they should get guidance from trained professionals at SAMHSA’s national helpline – 1-800-662-HELP – or on SMART Recovery’s website, which has resources for concerned families and friends.

Dear Eric: I had a stroke in 2017. It was quite debilitating for me. I could not walk, sit up or stand.

Little by little, I’ve regained some abilities through hard work and therapy. I still can’t walk at all unless I have an orthotic device on.

My husband passed away in 2022. He was wonderful in so many ways after my stroke and was also a cheerleader for me.

While I have some wonderful friends and neighbors in my life, some longtime friends are not kind. They only talk about all that they are doing. Nary a question about me.

It is very hard to take, to be treated as a nothing, though I am not.

Do you have advice for me or many others with disabilities whose so-called friends decide to treat them as invalids as opposed to worthwhile people with some disabilities?

– Still Here

Dear Still Here: You deserve a cheerleader, and you deserve friends who are going to show up for you.

Tell your friends what you’re not getting. Say, “When you don’t ask me questions about myself or my life, I feel invisible. I want to know that you value me, even if some of the realities of my life make you uncomfortable. Can you do that?”

Some friends, unfortunately, may show the limits of their abilities; but others can rise to the occasion if given the right coaching. This shouldn’t fall to you to do, but sometimes we have to advocate hard for ourselves.

“Depending on where you are with your relationship with your disability, I would recommend finding spaces designed by and for the disability community,” she said. “You will be so welcome. This could be virtual events or in-person experiences within your own community.”

“For friends who want to do more to include their disabled friends, I recommend being proactive and taking on the labor of researching a location’s accessibility. Ask them how you can best show up for them as you plan an event. Check in with them in social settings to make sure they’re comfortable and see if there’s anything you can do to make them feel more welcome.”

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

I think this child called my parents’ house in the early ’80s when she turned 18 and talked to my parents, but the call was never discussed, and my parents also changed the home phone number to a new number and made it unlisted at that time.

My parents are now in their 80s. My mom has a pacemaker, and my dad has Alzheimer’s.

Is it better to wait until my mom has passed before trying to reach out to this relative?

I think if my parents wanted to tell us before now, they would have, and with my mom being my dad’s caregiver, this is not a subject that would be good for her health.

– Newfound Sister

Dear Sister: Reach out now.

You may never get full answers about why your parents distanced themselves from your half-sister, but there’s a cruelty in their actions that you can help to assuage.

Many people who have been kept secret from their birth families talk about the longing that they have for that connection and the pain that secrecy causes. Be the bridge.

Protect yourself, as you would with any stranger. There’s a lot of emotions on all sides here. But there’s no need to wait.

You can’t change what your parents did, nor are you responsible for it, but you have the chance to start a new relationship with your half-sister.

Dear Eric: This may be immature but there’s a snub that has bothered me for 70 years.

Irene was my best friend since elementary school. We lived next door to each other and were inseparable. She was outgoing; I was introverted.

Irene’s parents decided not to invite me to her 15th birthday party to which they invited several young men, fearing that my presence might detract some attention from Irene.

I was profoundly hurt and never spoke to her again.

Years later, when l was married, my father saw Irene in front of our building pushing a baby carriage holding twins. Irene asked about me, said she would like to talk to me, and gave him her contact info. But l just could not do it. I never called her.

– Still Hurt Friend

Dear Friend: What Irene’s parents did to you was unfair and unkind. It’s not immature to still have feelings about it. It’s a core wound that came at an especially sensitive time in your development.

Because this was Irene’s parents’ doing and, presumably, not hers, talking to Irene may have offered you some closure or even a bit of healing.

But it’s OK not to be ready.

However, if this is bothering you enough to write to me about it, I think it may be an indicator that the wound wants to close.

Release Irene’s parents for making a bad choice in what they thought was the best interest of their daughter. Release Irene for being caught in the middle. And, most importantly, release yourself.

You didn’t deserve the snub. You should have been invited. It doesn’t have to define you anymore.

Dear Eric: I have a future son-in-law who gladly accepts gifts, tickets to events and dinner events, as well as dinners out. My issue is I’ve never once heard a “thank you, that’s kind of you”.

I find myself in a bind as I really dislike simmering in resentment. I also find that it’s challenging to address this issue without coming across as judgy, and I’m also a bit afraid it will be “joked off.”

There’s also a strong piece around my husband and I being “privileged”, and this also makes it awkward. He does not come from privilege. We do like the guy, but we also feel taken advantage of.

– Thankless Gift Giver

Dear Gift Giver: Being underprivileged doesn’t prevent someone from incorporating “thank you” into their vocabulary. That said, you may be placing different values on these gifts than he does.

Once that’s done, as a way of building your relationship, tell him how you’d like to be communicated with. This doesn’t have to take the form of instruction. But saying “It makes me feel valued when the things I do are acknowledged” may help him see your side.

Expressions of love are part of being in a family. He may see the nice things you do as simply a transaction. But you can give him the tools to help you feel loved back.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

The friend recently contacted me, out of the blue, to have dinner together. My sister is now asking me to ask my friend the details of the affair. She wants to know how long it went on, and what they did.

My instinct says, “No way.” I’ve gently told her that.

I want to be supportive of my sister, but I told her I don’t know how this will help “heal” her past hurts.

She thinks it will, so she can “move on” with her life, and not “live in the past.”

My sister and I are very close, and her bringing up the past, even from our troubling childhood, is her m.o. (And yes, I have encouraged her to see a therapist, to no avail.) Either way, I believe it will further open very old wounds.

– Stumped Sister

Dear Sister: Your sister is trying to get some control over the uncontrollable. Some things that are uncontrollable here: grief, unfinished business, and secrets. I’m not certain that finding out the truth will allow her to move on if she’s not ready to release what happened.

Ask her a hard question: Are you ready to forgive? Her husband can’t apologize; the friend may not apologize (or have anything to apologize for). There is a debt that she’s owed that’s uncollectable. Can she release that?

If she can’t yet – which is understandable – whatever information your friend gives you is just going to add to her grief.

Much of this is internal work that has deep roots in her relationship. Pinning her hopes to this one external interaction makes some sense, but it’s not going to help much.

Don’t let yourself get triangulated any more than you already are. Decline the invitation from your friend. And if your sister is insistent on getting answers, give her your friend’s number and let her ask herself.

Dear Eric: My guy is a good, generous, dependable, very set-in-his-ways man after living alone for more than 25 years.

We met in 2016 and lived together for two years after he said he wanted to marry me. All the changes I caused were too stressful for him, and so he asked me to move out.

I dated other men for the next two years, but in 2023, my guy changed his mind and wanted us to be in a committed relationship again.

I’m not pushing marriage, but I told him I do want him to move in with me within two to three years.

This requires him to do some major repairs and upgrading of his home to sell. He still loves his work at age 70, but he hasn’t done one project in the house.

We are compatible but I’m feeling like a Friend with Benefits, and am getting very frustrated at seeing no change, no progress. Should I just give up on this relationship and my hopes to mend our lives and home?

– More Than a Friend

Dear Friend: Like a contractor who is perpetually six months behind schedule, I have bad news for you. You’re both going to be much happier if you continue to live separately.

I don’t love that he asked you to leave his house and then, two years later, decided he wanted you back. This doesn’t say “respect” to me.

That doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t salvageable, but you’ve got to set a boundary.

He’s not going to do these home repairs. He’s 70, he likes his house, and major renovations are not fun. Even though he loves you, you’re working against comfort and that’s a hard fight to win.

If he moves into your place, with all his set ways, are you actually going to be happier? Or will this further complicate your relationship?

You are worthy of being given what you need to feel like more than a FWB. But make sure what you’re asking for won’t make you less happy in the long run.

Dear Readers: Today my latest book of essays, “Congratulations, the Best Is Over!” is out in paperback everywhere books are sold. If you want a humorous and heart-filled account of true adventures that drove me to seek out advice and more – including an invasion of frogs, a doppelganger, and a medical caper – I hope you’ll pick it up!

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

My ex-wife and mother of my daughters passed away a couple of years ago. She had a son by another husband. Her will and trust were initially drafted to leave her home and more than $400,000 in cash to my daughters and their stepbrother in equal shares.

However, the stepbrother went to my ex-wife on her deathbed and whined his way into receiving all of her estate, except for $30,000 for each of my daughters.

My ex-wife told my daughters that I would be expected to leave everything to the two of them upon my demise.

I remarried 15 years ago and I intend to see that my wife has the financial stability to live comfortably the remainder of her life.

My ex-wife was always controlling and manipulative, and I see this as her last grip on my life by putting me in this position.

Am I wrong for feeling that she went to her grave thinking she’d hamstrung me with regard to my children and their expectations of being “taken care of” in my will and trust?

– Willed to Give

Dear Willed: You’ve been backed into a corner from beyond the grave. Spooky.

Your ex-wife’s will and trust is an unchangeable document. Whereas you, as a person who is still alive, have the ability to reset relationships while there is still time.

You should tell your daughters about the situation that you’re in and how it makes you feel, but focus on what the plan is moving forward instead of rehashing inherited hurts.

What do your daughters hope to receive from you? Are there expectations that you feel are unfair? Do they think that your wife, their stepmother, shouldn’t have as great a share as they do?

These can be very hard conversations to have but they get more painful and potentially more damaging when one person is no longer around to have the conversation.

On that note, your ex-wife may have constructed this situation to get at you or she may not have been thinking about you at all. You’ll find happiness, or at the very least peace, by releasing her. She can’t do anything else to you, good or bad.

There’s a lot of monetary figures in your letter. Remember that while money can help us show what we value, it’s not the only way and it’s often misconstrued. Don’t put a price tag on your relationships or hope that a will can convey your intentions. Have the conversations you can now.

Dear Eric: I was an employee at a small company in a small town and got laid off a few years ago. I had been there more than 10 years and had become friends with the owner, who was about my age.

At the time, it shattered me, and I didn’t like the way it was handled. Nevertheless, I left with as much professionalism as I could.

After I left, I blocked the owner on all media, so I could move on without thinking about the past, and I have. I got another job and haven’t seen or spoken to the owner since. I’m still hurt by it.

Recently, the company has fallen on tough times, and I hear that the owner is not doing well. My instinct is to ignore it. I don’t really need to have this person in my life, though for a long time we were friends.

A mutual friend says I’m being overly sensitive and needlessly holding onto a grudge. What do you think?

– Ex-Work Ex-Friend

Dear Ex-Friend: Is it a grudge or is it a relationship that’s fractured? A grudge puts all the onus on you, but, per your description, the layoff wasn’t handled well so there may be responsibility on both sides here.

Friendship at work can be tricky, especially if that friend is also the boss. Work friendships can develop into beautiful additions to our lives and last for decades. But work itself is like a Vegas casino: the house always wins (and you leave with less money than you wanted to).

The owner, your former friend, made decisions in the interest of work. Though they were perhaps the only decision available at the time, it’s hard not to take that personally. It fractured your relationship.

Ignore it, with one caveat:

If an opportunity to be kind presents itself, take it.

You don’t have to reopen the relationship. But if your paths cross or if you find yourself feeling compassionate, a simple “You’re in my thoughts” can go a long way.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

However, in the past four years or so, the wife has been calling or texting to ask me, “What’s up with you? What have you been doing today?” In the course of the conversation or exchange she finally mentions that her husband is not at home.

I read between the lines that she thinks I am possibly doing something involving her husband. I honestly believe that she is writing down what I normally do on different days of the week and checking up on me.

Never in the span of nearly 40 years has there been anything but a friendship between me and her husband.

Now I find myself volunteering what I am doing like a child explaining to their mother. She also wants me to be in an Apple thing where you know where your friends are at all times.

One of her closest friends did have a husband that cheated on her, and that friend may be casting doubts her way and not helping the situation.

– Innocent Friend

Dear Innocent: Who has the time for all this detective work? Time to tell Agatha Christie to step away from the typewriter.

Point out the tendency you’ve noticed. You can do it in a friendly way. “It seems like you’re asking about my schedule a lot lately. Is there something behind that? Would you like to spend more time together?”

Perhaps she’s just lonely or bored. Maybe she actually does think there’s something going on between you and her husband. But your imagination is going to run wild just like hers is until you actually talk.

You’ve been friends for 40 years. There is, one hopes, enough goodwill built up between the two of you that you can have a non-accusatory conversation and clear up any confusion on both your parts. If it’s going well, don’t be afraid to be direct.

Sometimes in life you just have to say, “Susan, I am not sleeping with your husband.”

Dear Eric: My brother and his family are born-again Christian. I stayed with him in his hometown for about a week while I was having surgery to remove my prostate.

After the stay, my brother told me that I was no longer invited to his home because my atheism made them uncomfortable, but we could always meet at a café.

I don’t wear my atheism on my sleeve, but he did attempt to convert me. No big deal to me.

I am back in the same town for a month of radiation treatment. They asked if I needed anything, like meals prepared, and I declined.

My wife and several of his children want me to attempt reconciliation, but my exclusion from his home as an inferior person is a showstopper.

– Unwelcome Visitor

Dear Visitor: I’ll refrain from expounding on the many Bible verses specifically about welcoming people into one’s home. It is easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than it is to define the “right” way for a person to practice their faith.

I wish I had more information about what prompted your brother’s discomfort. Was it simply that you didn’t accept his evangelizing? I’m curious about whether you’re in active conflict or if he’s simply a “my way or the highway” type.

Reconciliation isn’t fully your responsibility here, though. Radiation can be grueling. I can’t imagine sending a family member back to an empty hotel room, even if I did pack them a bag lunch.

For now, focus on your health and peace of mind. But when you’re feeling up to it, break bread at a café and see if you can find common ground.

Dear Eric: You received a letter from a lifelong diarist, and you gave her some good suggestions regarding what she might want to do with her volumes of personal diaries.

Another suggestion would be to contact Radcliffe’s Schlesinger Library on the History of Women in America. Housed in a special collection at the Harvard Library, the “Schlesinger is considered the leading center for scholarship on the history of women in the United States.”

If accepted, the diarist would find her pages archived among those of the great women in American history, including Susan B. Anthony, Charlotte Perkins Gilman, Amelia Earhart and Helen Keller.

Support Herstory!

– A History-loving Reader

Dear Reader: A number of people wrote in about the Schlesinger Library! A wonderful suggestion. Thank you!

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

The nursery was decorated with wallpaper that had roses as a motif. My daughter loved the design.

A year later, my daughter gave birth to her daughter, named Rose. She had looked online at many wallpapers but returned to the same rose design that my daughter-in-law had, which was a very popular choice and fit my granddaughter’s name.

My daughter-in-law is very hurt. Now she will not speak with my daughter or attend any family occasions if my daughter is present because she feels that my daughter stole her idea. She insists that my daughter remove the rose wallpaper.

I suggested to my daughter that she change the wallpaper to “keep the peace” as it is only wallpaper. My daughter refuses to do so because she loves the wallpaper, it is not “unique” as many have it, and she does not want to give in to what she considers irrational demands.

What would you suggest?

– Thorny Dilemma

Dear Thorny: I suggest that your daughter-in-law go outside, calm down and touch some grass. She cannot have a monopoly on every product. And buying it first doesn’t give her “dibs.” One cannot be a Conquistador of Costco.

Your daughter doesn’t need to remodel a room in her home to appease your daughter-in-law. That peace isn’t worth keeping. The position your daughter-in-law is taking is unreasonable and, perhaps worse, no fun.

During the first few years of the pandemic, a wall of my office was covered by a gorgeous wallpaper with huge floral blooms in the style of a Dutch Masters painting. It was designed by Ellie Cashman and elicited enthusiastic comments every single time I logged on to a Zoom, which was multiple times a day. And multiple times a day I would happily tell people where the wallpaper was from and I’d drop the link in the chat box for good measure.

(I have no stake, financial or otherwise, in Ellie Cashman Design. I’ve just never been happier with a purchase.)

It does no one any good to hoard the things that make you happy. Joy is not a scarce commodity.

Dear Eric: Throughout our marriage my husband has had trysts online and in person.

When I became aware of this, I began the process of leaving, but then was diagnosed with cancer, and my focus completely changed from leaving to surviving.

Now my children, a teen and preteen, have become aware of my husband’s infidelity. My daughter saw my husband kissing another woman about a year ago. She has only now shared this.

I’m scared to leave. I am an independent contractor so I don’t have my own health insurance, plus neither of us could financially survive a divorce.

Most importantly, even with his infidelity, I love him and the life we have together. I know he’ll never leave, but he also isn’t going to stop cheating.

My children aren’t bitter toward their father but continue to make comments that I should leave and that I need to have some self-respect.

Do I continue to ignore these remarks? Or do I have a hard adult conversation with them and explain that even when there is infidelity there can still be love?

– Trapped at Home

Dear Home: I am so sorry that you’re going through this complicated time. You deserve care and support. I’m sorry you’re not getting either.

It’s time for a conversation with your kids. Your husband needs to take an active role in this.

Tell him that it’s up to him to own up to his actions and have a mature talk with the kids about their misplaced shaming. He should do this part on his own, this isn’t your burden to share and the kids need to get that.

It will be a good lesson for your children about what self-respect actually is. (Here’s the CliffsNotes version: You do have self-respect and you’re facing impossible choices.)

Judging from his behavior, I’m almost certain your husband won’t immediately spring into action when asked to help.

I know that leaving is not an option you can entertain, and you’ve said he won’t stop cheating, but you should draw a line at him taking responsibility for the impact of his actions.

If it’s possible, work with a family therapist. Your kids are also dealing with a lot. While their comments toward you are unfair, their acting out is probably also indicative of deeper pain they don’t have the emotional vocabulary to deal with.

Of equal importance: A family therapist can help you sort out your own feelings. Your emotional health shouldn’t come secondary to anyone else’s.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.