Dear Eric: My older sister is a recent widow. Her husband was unfaithful to her several times, but she chose to stay with him.
One of his indiscretions was allegedly with a childhood friend of mine, with whom I’ve had sporadic contact over the years. Neither my sister nor I know if anything actually happened, and her husband always denied it.
The friend recently contacted me, out of the blue, to have dinner together. My sister is now asking me to ask my friend the details of the affair. She wants to know how long it went on, and what they did.
My instinct says, “No way.” I’ve gently told her that.
I want to be supportive of my sister, but I told her I don’t know how this will help “heal” her past hurts.
She thinks it will, so she can “move on” with her life, and not “live in the past.”
My sister and I are very close, and her bringing up the past, even from our troubling childhood, is her m.o. (And yes, I have encouraged her to see a therapist, to no avail.) Either way, I believe it will further open very old wounds.
– Stumped Sister
Dear Sister: Your sister is trying to get some control over the uncontrollable. Some things that are uncontrollable here: grief, unfinished business, and secrets. I’m not certain that finding out the truth will allow her to move on if she’s not ready to release what happened.
Ask her a hard question: Are you ready to forgive? Her husband can’t apologize; the friend may not apologize (or have anything to apologize for). There is a debt that she’s owed that’s uncollectable. Can she release that?
If she can’t yet – which is understandable – whatever information your friend gives you is just going to add to her grief.
Much of this is internal work that has deep roots in her relationship. Pinning her hopes to this one external interaction makes some sense, but it’s not going to help much.
Don’t let yourself get triangulated any more than you already are. Decline the invitation from your friend. And if your sister is insistent on getting answers, give her your friend’s number and let her ask herself.
Dear Eric: My guy is a good, generous, dependable, very set-in-his-ways man after living alone for more than 25 years.
We met in 2016 and lived together for two years after he said he wanted to marry me. All the changes I caused were too stressful for him, and so he asked me to move out.
I dated other men for the next two years, but in 2023, my guy changed his mind and wanted us to be in a committed relationship again.
I’m not pushing marriage, but I told him I do want him to move in with me within two to three years.
This requires him to do some major repairs and upgrading of his home to sell. He still loves his work at age 70, but he hasn’t done one project in the house.
We are compatible but I’m feeling like a Friend with Benefits, and am getting very frustrated at seeing no change, no progress. Should I just give up on this relationship and my hopes to mend our lives and home?
– More Than a Friend
Dear Friend: Like a contractor who is perpetually six months behind schedule, I have bad news for you. You’re both going to be much happier if you continue to live separately.
I don’t love that he asked you to leave his house and then, two years later, decided he wanted you back. This doesn’t say “respect” to me.
That doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t salvageable, but you’ve got to set a boundary.
He’s not going to do these home repairs. He’s 70, he likes his house, and major renovations are not fun. Even though he loves you, you’re working against comfort and that’s a hard fight to win.
If he moves into your place, with all his set ways, are you actually going to be happier? Or will this further complicate your relationship?
Ask yourself, “Beyond cohabitation, what do I need to feel secure, valued, and respected in this relationship?” And then ask him for those things. Make them non-negotiable.
You are worthy of being given what you need to feel like more than a FWB. But make sure what you’re asking for won’t make you less happy in the long run.
Dear Readers: Today my latest book of essays, “Congratulations, the Best Is Over!” is out in paperback everywhere books are sold. If you want a humorous and heart-filled account of true adventures that drove me to seek out advice and more – including an invasion of frogs, a doppelganger, and a medical caper – I hope you’ll pick it up!
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
