The previous owners are an older couple who themselves moved into the house when they were our age and starting their family. But they don’t seem to be able to let the house go.

A neighbor dropped by several times with a camera, to take pictures of our home. She explained that the previous owners, who had moved to a different state, had requested pictures so they could see what we had done with the house.

We explained we were not comfortable with this, and she stopped.

Now we have received a letter from this couple. They would like us to continue to send pictures, and they are also planning to “stop by” when they come back to town this summer. They promise they will come by only for an hour or so, but they would like to make it an annual event.

Am I obligated to grant visitation rights to this couple? And if I am not (as I am hoping), what is the polite way to explain to this couple that the home is no longer theirs, and we cannot continue to provide them updates?

GENTLE READER: If it were ever true that there is no harm in asking, it still depends how one asks.

No matter how sweet this elderly couple may turn out to be — and no matter how nostalgic they feel — they sold you the house. Simple politeness demands they respect your privacy, and requesting photographs and visits does not qualify.

You are under no obligation to provide access, much less an annual hourlong visit.

Miss Manners is not attempting to dictate your answer, merely making the point that neither do they have any right to dictate yours. There is no rudeness in merely saying, without excuses, that you are, unfortunately, unwilling to accommodate their requests.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: When hosting a cocktail hour, how does the hostess gracefully navigate the quantity of food served?

For example, if the cheese platter is reduced to a few bits, should the hostess be constantly monitoring and replenishing as necessary (even if the “hour” is approaching or has passed)?

I certainly don’t want to appear stingy with guests. But the idea of bringing out more food seems to encourage lingering and drifting into the dinner hour and beyond.

Also, what is an appropriate answer to a guest who inquires, “Is there more cheese/crackers/dip …?” I was taught that, as a guest, I should not take the last piece of anything — cracker, nut, candy or cheese. Is that out of sync with the times?

GENTLE READER: Fill or clear any empty receptacle, in which category Miss Manners includes the guests.

So if Uncle Larry is lingering by the dessert table hoping for something more, swoop him up and introduce him to any available guest in the next room before passing on. Eventually the table will be empty, and the guests will get the idea and go home.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I have basically become a mother again as I tend to my granddaughter’s needs all the time. I’m her main caregiver and I’m her “person”. She prefers me over her mother in every and any situation.

While my granddaughter is my pride and joy, I can’t help but be angry most of the time because (1) my life is no longer my own and is certainly not what I envisioned at this age; (2) I pay for everything because my daughter can’t land a meaningful job and, if she does, it’s not for long; and (3) I’d rather be doing anything else but playing with a toddler and watching toddler shows as I find it extremely boring.

I would rather do this on my own with my granddaughter and have mom just go live her life because I’m giving my daughter the best of both worlds — she’s here with her daughter, but I’m doing all the heavy-lifting.

How do I overcome my resentment for my daughter? And please don’t suggest I sit her down and tell her how I feel. Been there, done that. No amount of talking or motivation gets through to my daughter. She is who she is, and she will never change.

— Grandmother Turned Mother

Dear Grandmother: I’m sorry to say that if she’s not going to change, then you have to be the one to shift. Your resentment is rooted in an expectation that she’ll step up and take responsibility. That’s not an unrealistic expectation in the grand scheme, but with respect to your daughter, it is.

That resentment may never fully go away because this burden isn’t fair to you. But it’ll decrease if you remind yourself “this is who she is and I love all of who she is, even the parts I don’t like.”

You’re still parenting your daughter. If she were flying solo, you could let her make her own mistakes and learn the hard way. But those mistakes would also hurt your granddaughter. So, this is the hard reality.

The choices are either: (1) set a hard boundary for your daughter and refuse to budge or (2) frame everything about this situation as an active choice you’re making out of love for your granddaughter and your daughter.

Even if you opt for the latter, please find small ways to take some of your time back. Keep pushing her, even if she fails. Your granddaughter deserves a parent, and you deserve to live, too.

Dear Eric: My wife and I have a beautiful home on a lake. We keep our home very neat and tidy. Our adult son, wife and their young children live in another state and when we visit them, their home is a complete mess, dirty and sticky with spilled food and drinks (we stay at an Airbnb when we visit.)

They just stayed with us for a week, and we all had a wonderful, fun time, but they treat our house like they treat their house. Should we set some written house rules for their next visit (and possibly alienate them) like pick up wet towels and bathing suits, only eat at the dining table, clean up the kitchen after using, etc. Or do we just bite the bullet and resign ourselves to what it is.

— Cleaning House

Dear House: You and your wife have created a home for adults — chic, clean, just to your taste. Your son and his wife have a home for a family with kids. As you no doubt remember, when there are little fingers about, little fingerprints show up all over everything. It’s not a given, but it’s likely.

You probably won’t get this family to treat your house like a pristine adult house. But you should set age-appropriate guidelines for being a good guest.

Think about making different requests of the kids and the adults. Ask your son and daughter-in-law to make sure that the kitchen is cleaned up, or no food leaves the dining room, for instance.

Don’t do this in writing, though. Feels aggressive. But a phone call beforehand enlisting their help in setting their kids up to be good stewards of your house will make it a communal effort rather than something they got wrong.

Before you call, though, really ask yourself what you need to feel comfortable. The kids are young, the parents are on vacation; you’re all having fun. Sometimes a towel is going to sit on the floor for a minute.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

A: As the property owner and landlord, you bear some, if not most, of the responsibility for the damage your tenant caused to the neighbor. Despite your lack of knowledge about the unauthorized addition to the plumbing, as the property owner, you will likely be held accountable for the damages.

‘Property owners are legally obligated to maintain their property to a standard that prevents damage to others, and you may have to cover the repairs your tenant’s actions caused.

Upon learning about this, your first step is to visit the apartment and ensure the plumbing issue has been resolved. Inspect the rest of the property to ensure there are no other problems; if there are, have it properly fixed.

Put your tenant on notice that he violated the lease and will be held responsible for the damage. Find out if he has rental insurance.

Realistically, making the tenant repay you for the damage he caused will be difficult, but you can at least try.

You will also need to decide if this situation is a reason for you to evict your tenant. Like not paying the rent, breaking the rules set out in the lease, such as making unauthorized renovations, can also lead to the tenant being evicted.

Your next step is to inform your insurance company about the situation. Discuss the damage with your neighbor to determine its extent and find out who their insurance company is, as your insurance company will need this information. Your neighbor’s insurance will likely coordinate directly with your insurance company to make the repairs.

This will be more difficult if one or both of you do not have insurance, but the repairs and reimbursement will need to get done in any case.

While it is better if everyone cooperates, there is a realistic possibility this will end up in court, so make sure to take pictures and make good notes along the way.

Board-certified real estate lawyer Gary Singer writes about industry legal matters and the housing market. To ask him a question, email him at gary@garysingerlaw.com, or go to SunSentinel.com/askpro. 

It was mostly very good. We raised and homeschooled and launched seven marvelous human beings! But our relationship began to break down after an empty nest and retirement. That is what it is.

I have known my brothers- and sisters-in-law for those 50 years. I have grown very close to some of the brothers-in-law, particularly.

During this excruciatingly slow demise of our marriage, I have avoided family reunions on her side. After the divorce later this year, I would like to resume attending the major family reunions and include visits to my ex-in-laws from time to time.

I know that if I hint at my willingness to resume such visits, they would graciously respond and invite me. But how do I negotiate the actual long weekend of a family reunion with possibly dozens of my direct descendants and as many in-laws, nieces and nephews and their children and, of course, my ex-wife?

I will be warmly welcomed by all of my ex-in-laws, but my ex-wife and I have descended into almost no interchange, and what little remains is cold and perfunctory.

I wish to maintain these lifelong relationships. What are some guidelines and approaches that I might use?

– In With the Exes

Dear In: Your ex-wife doesn’t “own” her family but it is her family of origin and so you have to overcome the coldness and ask her how she’d feel about you coming.

You do this because you don’t want her to feel that you’ve usurped a space of refuge for her. And you also do this to make sure she knows that these gatherings are a space of refuge for you.

I’d be surprised if she declined. It sounds like there’s going to be a lot of people there; you wouldn’t be forced to interact. But you should get the feelings out in the open first.

This conversation may also help settle lingering resentments. You don’t want to be blindsided by a misread of the situation or her feelings.

As to the weekend itself, if she’s fine with you being there, then enter unencumbered and don’t dwell on others’ questions about what happened.

You have 50 years of history with these folks; they’ll be happy to see you and there are plenty of other things to talk about.

Dear Eric: My sister-in-law’s husband passed away several years ago. Over the years, my husband and I only saw them occasionally for holidays.

A year after her husband passed away, she suddenly announced that she would be moving back to her hometown where we reside.

She purchased a home in a 55+ community 15 minutes from our home. As a result of her being now in very close proximity to us, we feel obligated to invite her on family vacations, dinners out and other family activities and outings.

We expected she would establish new friendships and build a new life here but we have become her primary source of companionship.

I would like to spend more time with my husband now and not have to always include her every time we make plans. It’s becoming an issue in my marriage.

Additionally, her health is declining and she may be thinking we’ll also provide elder care as she ages.

I don’t want to appear callous and uncaring but I did not expect a threesome at this stage of my life. How can we tactfully let her know how we feel?

– Three’s a Crowd

Dear Crowd: Even though you felt it was an obligation, you did become her de facto social director so it’s not unreasonable that she’s been slow to fill out her own dance card.

So, stop. Plan a vacation or night out and let her know, “We’re going away and we just want some time for us. Are there some events happening in your community that you think you’ll enjoy?”

Even more importantly, you and your husband should talk with her about her long-term care plans. Does she have a financial plan in place? Does she have long-term care insurance? What are the resources in the 55+ community that she can avail herself of? What is her financial situation? Has she thought about medical directives?

She should do some thinking about how she wants to spend the next decades because help won’t just appear. Have the conversations now so that no one has assumptions or expectations and your sister-in-law is able to proactively make a plan and ask for help when needed.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

This leads to a consistent mildew odor on all of her fabrics. We always notice the smell on the towels and linens when we visit.

It never used to be a huge deal, but now her son is getting older, and he sweats quite a bit. Thanks to what one might call the “wet dog effect,” he always reeks of mildewy clothing.

For his sake (as well as hers), how can I convince her to change her laundry habits without hurting anyone’s feelings?

GENTLE READER: Criticizing another person’s laundry technique is not strictly within the bounds of good etiquette, but Miss Manners likes an occasional challenge.

Talking about what “we” (rather than “I”) have noticed, and calling her your Dear Sister will only alert your sibling that Something Is Up.

But making the issue about her son is a good start. And having, as a goal, not hurting anyone’s feelings is key.

A casual story about having the same problem and finding a solution — for your own child (assuming you have one) or a friend’s (if not) — will further remove any implied criticism. Of course, this will all come to nothing if you have raised the issue in years past without effect.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Many times, I have experienced the situation where someone is completely blocking a store aisle with their shopping cart.

They see me coming and either move their basket aside to let me pass or I have to say, “Excuse me,” and then they move it.

Some people say “Sorry” for blocking me, but some mumble a sarcastic “You’re welcome” to me as I go by, apparently because I don’t say “Thank you” for their efforts.

I feel I should not have to say thank you to them for correcting a situation they caused to begin with. Good manners would require not blocking the aisle in the first place.

This happens to me often. What do you suggest?

GENTLE READER: Six words: “Excuse me. Thank you. You’re welcome.” And you only have to say four of them.

Miss Manners’ point is that to be this angry — and stingy — about when to parcel out such kindnesses is beneath you.

If someone’s cart is blocking the aisle, let’s assume it was a moment’s thoughtlessness, not a nefarious plot — and that saying “Excuse me” costs you nothing.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Five people go out to dinner. Two of them have a special interest in something the other three do not. Is it polite for those two people to have a side conversation?

GENTLE READER: Yes, so long as the two are seated together and are having the side conversation with each other, not with their cellular telephones.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I always tell the Realtor that I am a nosy neighbor and just curious about the house. I don’t want the Realtor to waste time with me or walk me around. They always respond positively.

Is this rude on my part? My sister thinks it is.

GENTLE READER: Surely this would be an advantage for the seller. Others at the open house could meet a friendly neighbor, and you could spread the word about the delights of the neighborhood.

Is that the problem? Is your sister worried that you might put off potential buyers, either by annoying them in some way, or by telling everyone you meet that there are bodies buried in the backyard?

Otherwise, an open house may be considered open. As Miss Manners discourages guests from asking for house tours, and everyone from peeking into windows, this seems a harmless way to satisfy the curiosity people have about the way others live.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Something apparently shifted between my son’s college graduation ceremony in 2019 and my daughter’s.

While the audience at the 2019 ceremony remained in place for the entirety of the two-hour proceedings, this time, fewer than 10% of both the graduates and their attendees stayed to the end. In fact, almost all of the honorees walked across the stage to receive their diplomas and then simply left instead of returning to their seats.

This resulted in a likewise steady exodus of family and friends from the audience while other students were still being called to the stage.

Those of us still trying to enjoy the full ceremony — and those whose graduates were at the end of the alphabet — were forced to deal with people squeezing past our knees as they left the aisles.

Am I completely behind the times that I was horrified at the mid-ceremony departures?

GENTLE READER: It always puzzles Miss Manners when those who object to rudeness accuse themselves — however disingenuously — of failure to keep up with progress. You are not required to follow progress that is headed downward into lack of consideration for others.

To treat a graduation ceremony as if it were a commercial transaction, where the graduates merely pick up their diplomas and leave, is an act of disrespect for their own classmates. It would be sad if the class had to be instructed beforehand not to do so.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I handle it when, during mealtime with my husband and my mother-in-law, there is enough food for a second helping or so?

I will ask either or both of them if they would like any more (broccoli), and they will say, “No, I may have some later.”

They never eat what is left after I serve myself a very small portion (so I can leave them some).

Should I just say it’s now or never, and go ahead and eat the last portion?

GENTLE READER: Yes.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

I have zero issues or concerns about the man she’s marrying, but knowing the reason is based on a financial “nudge” for tax bracket purposes, insurance and trusts, instead of a desire to be together for the rest of their lives, I’m having a very hard time getting psyched for the wedding, which will be a small family ceremony, then a reception party with more than 100 people invited.

It feels disingenuous to have a celebration of this size given the reasoning for the occasion. Any advice on how to find some joy in this event?

— Where is the Love

Dear Love: Think of it as an anniversary party.

We’ve all happily gone to weddings of young people whose unions didn’t end up lasting 20 years. Why punish your mom and her partner for proving the concept before cutting the cake?

Look, I’m a romantic from the Nora Ephron school, but the fact is marriage is a legal and financial institution that carries with it a plethora of benefits, from tax breaks to hospital visitation rights to protections around property and inheritance. You get those benefits if you have a quickie Vegas wedding to someone you met at the Caesars Palace buffet or if you wait 20 years and have a backyard ceremony. That’s the deal.

Remind yourself that their standard deductions don’t impact you, but the last two decades of their commitment has. Otherwise, you’ll miss out on this one chance you have to celebrate the fact that they did something extraordinary and 100 percent free: they found someone and loved them for a very long time.

Dear Eric: I have a 3-year-old with my ex-husband who I currently have a very strained relationship with. I recently had to file a restraining order on him because he assaulted me when I was picking her up from his house. Though there is a history of domestic violence there, I am very happy to be building my life back up away from that.

She still sees him every other weekend. I want her to be able to make up her own mind about him one day and I don’t want my opinions to sway her thoughts. How do I continue to nurture her relationship with him when I truly don’t think he’s a good person?

— Conflicted Ex

Dear Conflicted: The best way to care for the relationship right now might be revisiting the terms of your custody.

He can’t even do pick-up without resorting to assault; this is not a safe shared custody agreement and the blame lies with him. You don’t have to clean up his mess.

Thank you for protecting yourself with the restraining order. Please keep seeking out help. If you don’t have the means to consult your lawyer, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) has a searchable database that will direct you to local legal resources.

Until your ex gets the help he needs, and begins to make amends to you and your daughter, any relationship he’s building with her will be unhealthy.

As time goes on, your opinion of him may not change. It won’t be appropriate to vent to her, but your experiences are real and legally documented. Your feelings are valid. You can tell her the truth.

Dear Eric: I work at a small, fantastic community-based organization. It is not perfect, but it’s been one of my favorite jobs ever, except for a few of my colleagues who seem to complain endlessly about the smallest things.

Their behavior has led to other staff feeling judged, we’ve even had people leave over it.

Any chance I get I will sing the place’s praises, and if the complaining is next level, I just leave the work room.

I am so sick of it. This is honestly a great place to work and it’d be even greater if we supported each other rather than devolving into cliques and endless rant sessions. Any suggestions you have on how to put a stop to endless (and at times toxic complaining)?

— Sick of Watercooler Complaints

Dear Watercooler: Some people just like to complain about work. I tickled myself thinking what if the question after yours was from your coworker. “This person at my job is just SO POSITIVE…”

Try talking to your coworkers one-on-one. See if you can get to the bottom of what their core issues are. Maybe they’re complaining because they don’t feel empowered to make changes.

Or maybe they’re toxic jerks.

Ask a higher up for help shifting the office culture. You don’t have to wave the Pollyanna banner all on your own.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

It is our responsibility to open the door when we arise, which allows the latches to flip down, indicating that we’re up and probably not in trouble.

Our etiquette problem comes up when my friends and I walk for fellowship and exercise. We normally walk outside, but when the weather’s bad, we walk inside, up and down the halls. This is common in our community, and it is generally accepted.

But because we walk fairly early, sometimes we are walking past someone’s front door as they open it, briefly, just to let the latch fall. Sometimes they are completely dressed, and sometimes they are in their dressing gowns.

Should we greet the person in this situation (“Good morning!” without pausing) or just keep walking, looking straight ahead?

GENTLE READER: Perhaps, as this is a retirement establishment, Miss Manners can invoke the Newspaper-on-the-Porch rule without being asked what on earth she means. How would a newspaper land on the porch unless you left your laptop there and it wasn’t stolen?

The meaning is that a brief moment of visibility, even when not dressed for public view, should be politely ignored. The idea was that one should not have to make oneself “presentable” for such a quick foray. (Whoops, there is another concept that might be foreign to many — that you should look presentable when in public.)

This required both sides to maintain the fiction that the person on the porch had not been observed. This would be harder to do in the proximity of a hallway.

So, if you can plunge down the hall without eye contact, do so. Otherwise, a quick hello, and keep moving.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have been friends with a couple for about 30 years. We have watched their children grow to be lovely young ladies, as they have watched ours grow to be adults.

We are close with the couple but not so much with their children.

In 2021, during COVID, their youngest daughter got married in a small private ceremony in their backyard. Only about 15 people were in attendance.

Because we are close to our friends, we gave their daughter and her new husband a monetary wedding gift even though we weren’t invited to their wedding. The daughter and her new husband did not acknowledge the gift.

GENTLE READER: This couple has been married for three years, and you already gave them a wedding present. Miss Manners is not aware of the need for a You’re Still Married present.

That said, perhaps you are so fond of the parents, and have such pleasant memories of the daughter as a child, that you want to do something extra. While there is no need to give a present, there is no ban against doing so.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.

We used to see each other every weekend like clockwork for years, and then, without any explanation, they dropped off the face of the earth. No contact attempts from them whatsoever.

Naturally, this dynamic no longer includes gifts or greeting cards.

Last year, I learned that three of these now-distant relatives have been in constant connection with one another.

In the interest of rebuilding a connection, I sent each of them a simple birthday gift in the mail to let them know that they’re loved and were being thought of. Not one of them reached out to thank me for the gifts I sent them.

Just like one of your previous columns noted, I feel sometimes no answer is an answer.

This year, I just sent a quick text as birthday wishes. Yep, you guessed it: They acknowledged my texts! Message received. They prefer not to participate in gifts.

But then riddle me this: They don’t acknowledge my gifts, we hardly ever speak, yet they will send me hundreds of dollars for my birthday and Christmas? What is going on here?

– To Give Or Not To Give

Dear Give: The plot twist at the end of your question really got me! Hundreds of dollars? Oh my word!

These relatives may not think they’re as distant as you think they are. Money talks, but sometimes it mumbles. Reach out to ask your relatives to translate.

Try a phone call. “We’ve been out of contact for a while. Did something happen and, if so, can we fix it?” They may think, since they’re sending stacks of cash, that all is well.

The fact that the break happened around the pandemic might be a clue here, also. It was easy for relationships to fall out of rhythm and some haven’t recovered. It was also a fraught time politically. So, maybe someone in your immediate family posted something online that the distant relatives didn’t like.

Judging by the gifts, though, they’ve clearly thought of you. Reach out and find out exactly what they’re thinking.

Dear Eric: I recently discovered my husband was messaging/talking to three women through the dating portion of Facebook.

I saw messages on his phone from one woman and a phone call for 44 minutes.

I confronted him and he said he was trying to learn how to communicate and he was not cheating.

I decided that if he thought this was OK, then it should be OK for myself, too. I started my own profile in the dating portion of Facebook. He did not like the attention I was getting and he shut down his account and ended all communication. I also ended mine.

We have a great intimate relationship but I’m still hurt and untrusting of him. We have been through a lot over the past 28 years. Do you have any advice?

– Sore Messenger

Dear Messenger: Of all the places one can “learn how to communicate,” Facebook’s dating section is the least ideal. Was Toastmasters booked?

While he may think he wasn’t cheating, it’s clear that what he was doing was outside the bounds of your relationship as it currently stands. Clarity about where the lines are, especially if the lines have moved in the last 28 years, will help you both act with love and respect.

Ask him what he’s looking for and if there are things he’s not getting. Ask yourself that, too, and don’t be afraid to tell him.

It may be that you both agree that taking “conversation lessons” like Eliza Doolittle in “My Fair Lady” is OK. His jealousy about the attention you were getting shouldn’t dictate the rules.

But I’d be very cautious of making any moves that are simply tit for tat. You can’t revenge date your way to a healthier relationship.

However, if you want to add more zip to your talks with each other, try the conversational card games “The And” by Skin Deep and “Where Should We Begin” by Esther Perel.

[The question above was answered in the Ask Amy column several weeks ago. Here’s what Amy said.]

Dear Eric: Abandoned Grandmother was hurt that she sent money to her grandkids and heard nothing back.

I don’t have that problem, because I communicate with the younger kiddos in my life via social media and money transfer via apps.

– Social Media Grandma

Dear Grandma: That’s very generous! And very creative! Cheers!

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

After the last assessment three years ago, the neuropsychologist indicated that we were probably having him evaluated more often than he needed.

I’ve gotten help for my own anxiety about this and feel like I’m handling that part of it much better. But I still find myself frustrated and impatient when we set up procedures or tools or lists or whiteboards that are intended to help him, and he either forgets to use them or delusionally believes himself capable of remembering without them.

He is quite capable and independent now, but I will be his caregiver as he grows older. If I’m this frustrated and at a loss now, I’m concerned about what is to come.

– Trying to Stay on Task

Dear Task: Fear of future forgetfulness is crowding your present. Try to stay in the here and now.

In the book “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Ashamed and What We Can Do to Help,” Richard Pink and Roxanne Emery write, “You can’t shame yourself, or be shamed, into being more functional.” This is a message for your husband and for you.

Your anxiety and frustration aren’t something that you should feel ashamed of, but they aren’t going to be effective catalysts to positively change in your relationship.

When your husband doesn’t take advantage of help, it probably feels like a personal affront. It’s not. Don’t take his neurological state personally.

His memory struggles are also frustrating and possibly shame-inducing for him, too.

Have a conversation about places in your life where you feel like you’re carrying more than your share of the burden. Do this without blame and with a focus on solutions to which you can both commit.

Even though your husband’s memory issues are age-related, your state’s Department of Aging will have resources for you. For instance, the Texas Department of Aging has a hotline staffed by trained professionals – 855-YES-ADRC.

Dear Eric: I’ve been living with my niece for the past year since my mom passed. Neither of us knows anyone outside of family.

I lived with mom until she had to go into a nursing home. I can’t work because I’m on disability and haven’t had a job in 20 years. I haven’t made new friends in a long time.

It’s a struggle to pay bills. I have food stamps and go to the pantry, but it goes fast. I need objective advice on how to get ahead.

– Falling Behind

Dear Falling: You’re confronting social problems and financial problems at once. It’s no wonder you’re overwhelmed.

Choose one small part of this seemingly insurmountable constellation of troubles and make a plan to chip away at it. If it’s your isolation you want to address, make a goal of meeting one neighbor a week, for instance.

Visit your library and ask for help locating free local financial management services or literature.

You’ve experienced a lot of upheaval in the past year. It will take time to get your bearings. Challenge yourself with manageable goals but make sure you also celebrate your wins, too.

Dear Eric: I cried when I learned that Amy Dickinson was leaving her advice column. At my age, this old heart is just so broken.

Another ending is facing me, and I don’t know where to put my feelings. Amy’s column helped me through so many sad, terrible and confusing times.

She truly helped, not in any professional way but in a kind, neighborly way.

How do I ameliorate this great sadness from losing yet another wise voice? How do I survive now in this increasingly cruel, ageist, heterosexist, and just plain mean world?

– No More Endings

Many column questions are about having trouble with change. That’s human and it can be hard. It can feel like we’re being left behind. When change isn’t what we want, the world can feel full of endings.

I’ve learned that, though I can’t stop change, I can adjust my relationship to it so that I can be in the flow of change. I can see endings as also new beginnings, as invitations to dream possibilities, and as a chance to commemorate what was and what will always be. I wish that for you, as well.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.